The Yated Shidduch Forum

I am going out with a girl and things are going well, but we have a problem. You see, I am a big Donald Trump supporter. I feel that this country needs a change and that politicians have gotten too comfortable in Washington. I believe that Donald can shake things up for the better. I also like that wall he wants to build.

The girl I am going out with is not a fan of Donald, to say the least. She thinks he’s brash and not a mentch.

We’ve discussed this issue on several dates and we are both quite strong-minded about our politics. I am more of a free-thinker and I like Rush Limbaugh. This girl doesn’t like Rush’s self-praise and gets nervous from the pundits whose ideas I seem to agree with.

I am very concerned about this dynamic being a problem should we ever get married. Is this a legitimate concern? Should I just end it now? Should I wait for the Republican National Convention before I make a decision?

Your guidance is greatly appreciated.

TZODEK KATZ
Shadchan Lakewood, NJ

I really don’t understand why this is in a Purim edition. It belongs in a regular Shidduch Forum column.

Being a shadchan and helping boys date for over 10 years, I think that although I smell some sarcasm in your question, there are boys who would take 5 or 6 dates just to figure out how to present this question to one of their many rabbeim. Let me explain.

There are certain boys who, for some odd reason, are not satisfied with the opinion of one rebbi or even two rabbeim. They need three or four rabbeim with whom to discuss their questions. (These boys have average dating periods of about 4 to 7 years, which is probably the real cause of the shidduch crisis.) If they go out and have a good time, they call Rebbi Number 1 and ask if they should go out again. I won’t bore you with the rest of the cycle.

I am not sure why these boys aren’t taught how to think on their own. There used to be a saying, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” or, like the Gemara says, only sick people go to doctors (besides dentists). So why do we think that these types of kids are really ready to be spouses or parents, when they can’t think on their own? Besides, they are wasting their rabbeim’s time with these simple questions.

I am not sure why this is a Purim question, when all it means is that the couple can get a new rebbi to discuss this very important matter with. Ah freilichen Purim.

HERSHEL
A Bochur Lakewood, NJ

We often find that the wife is smarter and deeper than her husband. You must ensure that she can respect you despite the fact that you have minor shortcomings. This isn’t a reason for your self-esteem to be diminished, because, after all, the 34% most simple-minded people in the Republican Party also fall for The Donald. Think about how dumb the average American is and you’ll notice that half of them are dumber.

I know that Trump promises to bring back our low I.Q. jobs from overseas, and low I.Q. individuals connect to that message, but you should aspire for a career a little better than building walls or assembling air conditioners. So, if she can respect you nonetheless, the marriage has a chance.

Having said that, I think that political diversity is an advantage in a marriage. Both parties will send you mail and request your opinion in surveys. It is an exciting opportunity to have a real influence on the political process. Go for it and may the “best man” win.

MRS. LIBBY LIEBERMAN
Shadchan Brooklyn, NY

Marital bliss may pivot on political compatibility, but if things are going well now, what difference should the outcome of the National Convention make to you?

We know that any winner who enters the presidential palace as head of state loses his free will and becomes subject to a Higher Power. He is no longer a free agent with the capability to “shake things up” – or down. He becomes totally powerless, subject only to the will of the One Above – lev melachim vesarim beYad Hashem.

Donald may be enticing you now with his “trumped” up images of “the good life” after building his wall to stop foreign infiltration. But my advice to you is not to remain in “limbo.” “Rush” to the chupah. Clinch this special opportunity to marry this girl, whose values seem to be unshakable and immutable – especially before Purim, when the world’s destiny can “turn around” in the blink of an eye – venahafoch hu.

May your mazel supersede the predictions of all the pundits. And when you break the glass under the chupah, remember to pray for the Universal Convention, where our brothers from the four corners of the world will ultimately convene, bemeheirah veyomeinu. Amein.


AVI KRUPS

Shadchan, Beachwood, OH

First of all, I would like to congratulate you on having a girl agree to date you. As everyone knows, ever since the nadvanim began giving 10K incentives to older singles getting engaged, girls have been waiting to start shidduchim until a much later age. That, combined with all the recent kol korehs that immature boys should start shidduchim at an even younger age without first going to Eretz Yisroel to road trip and let out all their steam has turned the shidduch crisis into a true nightmare. As Rabbi Sender from the Chinuch-Issues-That-Are-Kept-Under-The-Table always says, “The root of all problems is the problem itself.” Whatever that means.

The depth of your question and its nature show that you are a truly unique and special bochur. The issue that plagues the system nowadays is that bochurim don’t have role models. The fact that you have two such special and dynamic personalities serving as your mentors shows a maturity beyond your years. That, combined with the fact that you use part of your precious time to drink from the wellsprings of Moreinu Rush shows a deep understanding and concern for time management and shemiras hasedorim.

Which brings us to the root of your burning and more-relevant-than-ever question. Putting aside the girl’s obvious illiteracy in politics, which we will address in a minute, her rejection of your role models as being brash and not mentchlich is a real cause for concern. Obviously, one who has no respect for rabbeim has no respect for her warm and caring parents either. But more so, her callousness for all that is dear and important to you is an indication that down the line she won’t be machshiv you either. As all therapists nowadays know, the biggest cause of shalom bayis problems in the 21st-century is the inability to be mevater. When a wife does not and cannot be mevater politically, she totally undermines the husband’s role as the ikkar habayis and puts seeds of doubt in his mind that perhaps she’s right that she should decide what to make for supper.

As to your question, it seems to me that this girl is influenced by feminist views and, as such, is really a staunch Hillary supporter. Although it has been said that Hillary and Trump are really two sides of the same coin, lemaaseh I would say that one who doesn’t farshtei the fresh views that Trump is breathing into the stale, wilting Washington atmosphere is truly feeble-minded and does not deserve a second chance. As The Donald once said, “If you’re not going to vote for me, then don’t vote!” Everyone knows that after a nuclear Iran, the next best thing for America is Trump. After all, by building a wall and implementing his other policies, yeshivos will need to hire bochurim to wash the floors.

I suggest that you wait until November to tell her no and show her that you are right. By doing that, you will put her in her place, in the kitchen and not by the radio, which will ultimately result in her voting for Trump, seeing the true light, and agreeing to marry a humble know-it-all like you.


RABBI BARUCH BER YOFFE

Rov, The Old Shul, Congregation Sons of Israel-Park Avenue
Lakewood, NJ

I actually had a very real question that was remarkably similar.

A woman came to me and said that the man she is dating seems to have very liberal views politically. This bothered her. She liked the man very much, but it irked her that he was liberal-minded politically; he, in fact, voted for President Obama. She wanted to know if this concern reflected a chisaron hashkafah-wise and if she should perhaps end the shidduch without going any further.

I told her that no, his liberal politics were, in and of themselves, not a reason to end it, as long as she likes him enough and she is comfortable with the idea of living with someone whose politics she disagrees with. As long as she was okay with hearing his views in the future and it won’t trouble her too much, she’d be okay.

You don’t always have to agree on politics – or other topics – with your spouse.

So, my response to you is that as long as both of you understand what each other’s views are and respect them, you’ll be okay. You’ll be for Trump, she’ll be for whoever, and all will be good.

Obviously, again, it depends on how much it bothers you or her. If you think you can live with it, then don’t worry about it. Don’t let it Trump the shidduch.

MRS. ESTHER GARTENHAUS
Lecturer & Consultant
Marital & Shidduch issues
Kallah Instructor & Advisor
Brooklyn, NY

[It’s getting consistently harder to read an article without “The Donald” intruding. One area I was not expecting to have to meet up with him was in the shidduchim parshah… On the other hand, there might just be a lot that we, in shidduchim, can learn from the one who knows “The Art of the Deal”!]

You have a tough question in front of you. A very tough question. You are to be commended for appropriating the proper care and concern to this weighty issue to the point of presenting it to the knowledgeable, unbeatable team of the Yated Shidduch Forum. You’re on the right track, and by the time you’re done reading all our prescient comments and eitzos, you’ll definitely be so much wiser.

On the one hand, I certainly sympathize with the girl you are dating, and I completely understand her concerns of brashness and un-mentchlichkeit. However, there is so much more to this than meets the eye. I will try to explain and I hope that I will be successful in revealing the deep-rooted issues that are going on under the surface and behind the scenes.

True, the attitude Trump portrays, in and of itself, may be a poor model. However, isn’t the Megillah the best place we can learn that there is so much hidden behind the mask?

Listen closely. This is the real inside story:

Behind the simplistic-sounding, common themes repeated daily by Mr. Trump (as duly noted by Mr. Rubio) lies the basis of the solution to our very own world-renowned crisis, the mother of all crises: shidduchim. Yes, shidduchim! He is ranting about building a wall and making great deals. That is what we are hearing: the wall and the deals. And the girl you are dating, like so many others, just doesn’t get it. He is actually trying to get to the rock bottom of the shidduch dilemma, telling us all that we need to know in order to get many more engagements/marriages started, and to keep them going…

A wall… We erect a wall for protection, to keep out the negative, damaging and counterproductive societal mores and advice. Levodod yishkon… We live separate from the nations of the world and we think for ourselves. We live in privacy from our neighbors and thus have the mental space to figure things out for ourselves, according to Torah guidelines, rather than mimic and copy others. A young lady today who is older has become a viable option for matrimony, and it stands to reason that other external factors, such as height, weight, finances, culture or lineage, will follow suit and fare just as favorably, and become very secondary features in the grand scheme. This, then, is what’s really behind the scenes at Trump Tower – a secret campaign to assist our community in increasing the marriage rate.

All the great deals he’s constantly talking about, which can only be achieved through negotiability and some flexibility, can open the doors to marital candidates you never would have previously considered… A sense of adventure, scope and proactivity… Uncharted paths you would not have previously tackled. We have to learn to imagine and dream big… And sometimes that means giving up on some insignificant details in order to make our dreams come true, to concentrate less on being a great dater and to focus on closing the deal.

Trump is giving the clues; the rest is up to us! Now, the girl you are dating can finally get the proper perspective on this whole issue and on you. (No need to wait for 1,237 references to sing each other’s praises and get you nominated for marriage. You can do it now.) Just pull away the drapes and peek behind them to see the cosmic picture. You’ll probably notice two vodka glasses, too, waiting for you and her. Lechayim!

Wishing simchos ad delo yoda and ad beli dai for all of Klal Yisroel.

MRS. RIFKA SCHONFELD
Director, S.O.S (Strategies for Optimum Success)
Brooklyn, NY

Some people feel really strongly about politics. Others feel really strongly about finances. Some people feel strongly about the menu for the Friday night seudah. It’s important to understand that each of these issues is just a piece of the puzzle when it comes to marriage. And, marriage is creating shared values through compromise and cooperation.

Should you let politics get in the way of marriage? Absolutely not. You don’t have to vote for the same candidates or even agree with each other on the candidates in order to create a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel.

As an acclaimed educator and social skills specialist (shidduch coach), Mrs. Schonfeld can be reached at 718-382-5437 or at rifkaschonfeld@gmail.com.