This week, Parshas Eikev, we commemorate the second of the Seven haftoros of nechomah, consolation. The number seven should already offer a degree of comfort, since there are seven of consolation but only three that are about punishment, retribution or impending catastrophe. Someone who is still in the throes of a tragedy might react cynically, claiming that the tragedy was so bad that it takes more than twice as much consolation to overcome the sadness of the loss. But one could also say that the power of consolation is twice as great as that of sadness. This past Shabbos, I unfortunately had the experience of using the halachos of nichum aveilim and what may or may not be said.
My son and I found out after davening on Shabbos that one of our neighbors, although not a member of my shul, had suffered a terrible loss. His son, a man in his early forties, had passed away in their home on Shabbos. He had been in a terrible car accident but was doing well and his passing was unexpected and devastating. We decided to stop off on the way from shul, making sure that the meis had already been removed from the home, since we are Kohanim and would not have been able to enter. Indeed, gentiles had already removed the meis and I was able to speak to the family. Now, I must reveal a somewhat strange minhag in my shul. On the Shabbosos between Pesach and Rosh Hashanah, we learn Pirkei Avos before Mincha after a shiur in halacha, but I am rarely able to keep track of which Mishnah I am up to from the previous cycle. However, one of my gabba’im is much more organized than I am and “gives me my Mishnah” after Shacharis so that I can give the shiur properly in the afternoon.
Last week’s Mishnah (4:23) was: “Do not appease your friend in the time of his anger and do not console him while his dead lies before him.” Chazal generally rule that “dead before him” refers to the fact that the deceased has not yet been buried. So here I was speaking to people whose loved one had just been removed from the house, yet I couldn’t even try to console them. Perhaps I shouldn’t have gone, but I felt that this was unfair, if I could offer some solace, so I entered. I gave the niftar’s father a hug, but didn’t say much. However, when he gave me an opening, I mentioned that it is brought that someone who passes away on Shabbos goes directly to Gan Eden. I stated this as fact, not consolation, but was still not satisfied with my nichum aveilim. The gracious bereaved father, a leader in our community, thanked me profusely for coming, but I still felt unfulfilled in my mission.
The entire experience drove me to think more deeply about the extended period of nechomah that Klal Yisroel has been given during the Shivah Denechemta. It occurred to me that this week’s and the following week’s haftoros indicate that the novi’s attempts at consolation have not been accepted: “O afflicted storm-tossed one, who has not been consoled” (Yeshayah 54:11). As the Medrash verifies, consolation is a process, not an automatic result. The deeper the tragedy, the more difficult the commiseration and attempts at empathy. I looked in my friend Rav Moshe Scheinerman’s moving sefer (Ohel Moshe – Badei Nechomah), which was written in response to the loss of a beloved grandchild. There I found something profound and useful for both Klal Yisroel’s loss of the Bais Hamikdosh and the private loss I was attempting to help my neighbor cope with.
He records (page 92) an incredible insight from Rav Eizik Scher, the rosh yeshiva of Slabodka. We are accustomed to speaking of the sale of Yosef by his brothers, the other shevatim, using the derogatory and accusatory term “mechiras Yosef.” However, when Dovid Hamelech mentions this event, he refers to it as “He sent a man before them” before using the description “l’eved nimkar Yosef – Yosef was sold as a slave” (Tehillim 105:17). The rosh yeshiva, who was also a great baal mussar, explains that “from the very outset, this incident presaged and was the preparation for the redemption from Mitzrayim” (see also Bereishis 45:5).
Perhaps we may add that this explains why seven weeks of consolation are needed to offset the three of mourning. More time is required not just to “get over it,” but to understand how what seemed hopelessly evil was actually a blessing in disguise, or at least in the making. In other words, while tragedy is easy to define, consolation requires timing, wisdom, proficiency and resourcefulness. I would also add that it requires strong siyata diShmaya – Heavenly help – to get it right.
To return to Klal Yisroel’s response that she is not consoled, there is a beautiful and important moshol from Rav Leib Chasman (Ohr Yahel): Two extremely impoverished Jews were collecting from door to door, gathering whatever they could. One noted philanthropist opened the door and welcomed them in warmly. He sat them down at his table and first offered them a sumptuous meal. Both ate heartily, filling their empty stomachs with the wonderful repast. However, when they were done and ready to receive their donation, the host expressed his puzzlement. “You both ate the same food and both seemed satisfied, yet one of you” – he pointed in the direction of the shorter fellow – was smiling from ear to ear, while your friend” – he now pointed to the taller one – seemed to grow sadder with each mouthful. Did I do anything wrong?”
The tall pauper quickly responded, “No, chas veshalom, you are wonderful. You welcomed us generously into your home and your hachnosas orchim was worthy of Avrohom Avinu. However, here is the difference between the two of us. My diminutive friend over here grew up in indigence and hunger. Every bite he took was like a miracle, and he grew ever happier being in your dining room. I grew up with wealth, like you. It was I who was privileged to serve others. I ate well and was excited to share with others. For me, every morsel that I take from someone else reminds me of the tremendous gap between what I was and what I am now. That is why I am sad, not because of anything you did.”
Rav Chasman now explained the nimshol: When a poor nation is sent into exile where there are food shortages, they are accustomed to the deprivation and are happy for any moments of respite from famine. But a nation that had wealth and is then sent into exile is not satisfied with temporary upgrades. They yearn for a return to their former greatness, and so each reminder of what was only brings them to further yearning and nostalgia for their past. When we lived in Eretz Yisroel with the Bais Hamikdosh, we could witness daily the glory of the Kohanim doing the avodah, the Levi’im singing their songs and Klal Yisroel standing by their korbanos. We had prophets and kings, wise men and the presence of the Shechinah. When we are in golus and we receive a brief reprieve, it only exacerbates our pain, for we recall our lost glory. This is why Klal Yisroel tells the novi, “The storm-tossed one has not been consoled.” No, it is not the novi’s fault. He did his job and promised amazing things to come. But for a moment, the pain of loss is too much to bear.
Rav Shalom Schwadron, the famed maggid, used to quote the words of the Chofetz Chaim about the Balfour Declaration. Some people couldn’t understand why he wasn’t celebrating like them at the apparent wonderful news that Britain was allowing the Jews to make a state on the holy ground of Eretz Yisroel. He explained that for the people who had a Bais Hamikdosh, open miracles, Tannaim and Amoraim, and all the trappings of kedusha, a tiny whiff of independence was something to cry about, not to celebrate.
This should help give us a path to know how to deal with contemporary events. Even when things improve a bit – we hope for freedom for the hostages and a respite from constant war with our enemies on many fronts – we should never forget the lofty place from where we came. This is not to reject any gift or improvement. It is just a recognition that we come from much more and it is for that which we long and pine. Thus, a certain disappointment in nechomah should be part of our reaction during these seven seminal weeks. But we should also know that it will take emunah, bitachon and even simcha to get us to the next level, which will soon be iy”H the bi’as go’el tzedek bemeheirah beyomeinu. Amein.
