When I was a bochur learning in Eretz Yisroel, the parent of a friend of mine was niftar and the aron was brought to Eretz Yisroel for the levayah and kevurah. After the hespeidim, as the crowd began making their slow way onto Har Hamenuchos, one of the chevra kadisha members noticed that some female relatives of the niftar were amongst the crowd. This despite their having already announced that the minhag Yerushalayim is that women should not accompany the niftar to the actual kevurah.
This chevra kadisha member approached those few women and respectfully asked if they had understood the earlier announcement about the minhag Yerushalayim. One of the women responded that they were indeed aware that the minhag Yerushalayim would have them turn back at this point, but she waved that concern away and kept walking along with the other melavim.
The chevra kadisha member shrugged and left to join the others chevra kadisha members alongside the niftar.
At this point, a man who fancied himself to be a kano’i came running over to the chevra kadisha. “What’s this?” he demanded, pointing to the women. “How did you let them go? Minhag Yerushalayim is that they should not be here!”
The chevra kadisha member spread his hands in a gesture of despair. “What should I do?” he explained. “I told them the same thing, but they decided not to listen.”
“They decided?!” the “kano’i” exclaimed. “This is a sacred minhag Yerushalayim! It’s not some joke.”
The chevra kadisha member nodded again. “I agree. But still, they didn’t listen.”
“What do you mean they didn’t listen?!” the man practically screeched. “Darf mir gein mit shtekenes! Mit shtekenes darf mir gein un zei unpshtelen!” They should be confronted with sticks and stopped!
Unfortunately, this was all taking place and drawing a bigger and bigger crowd while the grieving mourners were still on the way to the kevurah.
Noticing the commotion, one of the melavim stopped to find out what was going on. Upon hearing what this “kano’i” was screaming about, the fellow shook his head in wonder. “Nu, zohl ehr nemen ah shteken un gein. Let him take a stick and go. Who’s stopping him?”
He’s the Man! Is He?
Now, whether the minhag Yerushalayim is that Yerushalmi women do not attend kevuros, or whether it indeed is that women should not attend kevuros in Yerushalayim, is not our discussion. Nor is our focus on the propriety of the behavior of those women — who were in the throes of fresh and unimaginable grief — for ignoring the clear instructions of the local chevra kadisha.
All of that is beside the point.
What is relevant to us is the simple fact that even if these women were acting against a clear minhag hamakom, and even if their behavior did call for them to be confronted and stopped — even with sticks, if necessary — if this kano’i believed that to be the case, why was he yelling at other people to carry out his kana’us? Chevra kadisha members are no more in charge of minhagei Yerushalayim than the person who was carrying on about what they should be doing. If sticks “should be taken,” why wasn’t he taking any?
It’s easy to sit in one’s corner and tell everyone else what they should be doing. People may be impressed with the strength of the convictions one expresses in decrying how things are and demanding that they be improved.
“He’s not afraid to call it as he sees it!” some might say.
“Did you see how he confronted the chevra kadisha? None of that ‘give in because they’re ladies or because they’re aveilim.’ By him, a minhag is a minhag and that’s that.”
Except that it isn’t.
When I insist that things I cannot do should be done a certain way, perhaps I mean what I am saying truly and sincerely. However, were I to insist that others do something unpopular, when I could be doing that same thing myself but I’m not, then my “kana’us” is no more than hot air.
It should be stressed that in certain circles, the word kano’i itself has almost negative connotations. This is regrettable, and perhaps those who take the mantel of kana’us for themselves but fall far short of the title contribute to this negative perception. A true kano’i, one whose ahavas Hashem and ahavas Yisroel are so powerful that they do not allow him to sit idly by when confronted by behaviors that conflict with that love, is someone to be envied. After all, virtually every one of us gets worked up over something. How praiseworthy is one who channels that not towards petty or superficial concerns, but towards affairs that touch upon what really matters.
It’s YOUR Fault!
By the time you will be reading this, in all likelihood Zohran Mamdani will have been elected the next mayor of New York City, the city outside of Eretz Yisroel with the largest number of Jews. Even if by some miracle he would not have been, the damage has been done in that open anti-Semitism has been normalized in the largest city in the United States. It’s not just the college campuses, leftwing elitists or a few kooks elected to represent unimportant districts. Millions of Americans no longer have any problem voting for an unabashed and unapologetic pro-Hamas anti-Semite.
Whatever else we might do, we can never forget that our main tool in combating dangerous current events is in strengthening our Torah, our tefillah and our maasim tovim. After all, Hashem is the One actually in charge and no one else. He can make the worst situation completely harmless if He finds us worthy.
In such times, there are always those who take out ads, publish papers or post on hotlines that “people” must finally wake up and strengthen themselves in ________ (fill in the blank: kisui rosh, talking in shul, shidduchim, technology, tznius, driving, ahavas Yisroel, etc.). Now many, if not all of these, are important areas, none of which should be minimized in the least. Even so, anyone who thinks that the lesson that should be taken is that everyone else really better start being more makpid in ________ is sorely misguided.
Let’s say, for example, that someone excels in the area of tznius. He, his wife and his children all keep to the highest standards of tznius. Surely, that is an enviable plateau worthy of emulating. It is true, as well, that people who are not as careful in this area as they know they should be — usually due to social pressures — should definitely do better, and their improvement may bring down upon us all unimaginable Divine reward.
Even so, does the fellow whose family does not need to work on this particular area truly believe that there is no message in the events of the day for him and his family? Does he really think that it’s only “everyone else” who better start improving in whichever area he already excels in?
If Hashem would want nothing of him, he wouldn’t be alive. We are all here, in this world, to work on ourselves. If someone accomplished his mission here in this world, he is brought to his eternal reward in the next world. As long as we are alive, we have what to accomplish. Nobody, ever, has the luxury of saying that it’s “those people” who aren’t careful with ________ who are causing, or have caused, whatever tragedy — but I’m okay!
If you don’t need to improve in one area, then you have work to do in another.
It’s easy to tell everyone else what they should be doing. It’s a lot more difficult to think about where I should be improving.
Of course, gedolei Torah may indeed have insight into whether there is a specific area that would bring particular zechusim in any given situation. Short of that, all we can do is for each of us to improve in any way we can.
Look! THIS Is What You Shouldn’t See!
It must be mentioned that not only are there some who seem to believe that any tragedy, situation or challenge is the perfect time for them to tell everyone else what they should be doing better, but there is a phenomenon where we sometimes find people self-righteously telling everyone else to stop doing XYZ, while these self-righteous people are engaged in that selfsame XYZ while they are giving the mussar to everyone else! It would be laughable if it wouldn’t be so sad.
This author has seen articles demanding that we stop exposing our children to apikursos or avodah zarah, whether in literature they read, in entertainment they enjoy, in schools, in camps or anywhere else. After all, as bad as it is for our children to be exposed to these things, it is so much worse for us to be exposing our own children.
To illustrate that such terrible exposure is indeed taking place, the writer then quotes, at length, one example after another of clear apikursos, avodah zarah or worse. “Look at this quote: The Hippocratiuses worship the idol Tzavooee. How can we expose our children to this?! Another quote: Mrs. Fay Karr believes that girls nowadays need not be worried about becoming farklichniked. Why are we telling our children what such people believe?!”
(Author’s note: The above examples are completely imaginary and contain no real avodah zarah or bad hashkafos!)
So while so righteously demanding that others stop exposing our kids to XYZ, such an article, written in a place where all kids can and do read it, does the very same thing by quoting XYZ in full!
It is difficult to give more examples, because my very point is that one must be sensitive especially when discussing matters of sensitivity. Just imagine an ad demanding that people stop doing Geebert, because doing so can make people think about Bafufniks, and we should never think about Bafufniks.
Great. So now, by reading the ad, everyone is thinking about Bafufniks! (See above note!)
Without question, kol ha’am bishbagah. People surely mean well and simply do not realize the ludicrousness of their behavior. Clearly, though, lo kol harotzeh litol es hashem, yitol. Just because someone has money for an ad, or a laptop to type whatever is on their mind, does not necessarily qualify him or her to become Hashem’s spokesperson.
Let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater. As we discuss ways in which we can all improve — whatever the particular impetus for any given discussion — we may wish to work together or to try something on our own. We might bring up various suggestions and areas of possible growth.
Ultimately, though, our focus should never be on the other fellow and on where he or she should improve, but rather on an area where we, ourselves, can improve. That will bring yeshuos.
