The first night of Selichos! The thunder of Y-i-s-g-a-d-a-l! When that first Kaddish of Selichos is said in the distinct Yomim Noraim nusach, it is a declaration: The Yomim Noraim are here! If the blowing of the shofar every morning in shul, along with the twice-daily recitations of “L’Dovid Hashem Ori” were not enough to arouse us from our slumber, the very word “Y-i-s-g-a-d-a-l” is enough to inject a shudder of hisorerus into our essence, our hearts, our souls, and even our bones.
Yes, sometimes it seems as if Rosh Hashanah is creeping up on us by surprise.
Just recently, we were in the middle of summer, relaxing and resting from a grueling year, gathering our kochos for the coming year, and now, suddenly, it is the first night of Selichos. This Motzoei Shabbos, the baal tefillah will say the word “Yisgadal,” the first word of the Kaddish following the first Ashrei of Selichos, in the unique, hallowed Yomim Noraim niggun that sends a tremor through us, awakening the realization that the Yomim Noraim have formally begun.
We are here, in the middle of the yemei ratzon. We are saying Selichos!
The world says, “Yes, we say Selichos, but halevai the Ribbono Shel Olam should say Selichos… He should say, ‘Solachti!’”
A Chatzi Shiur of Teshuvah?
Once, during a tish on Shabbos Shuvah, the Gerer Rebbe, the Pnei Menachem, said something so simple, yet a bit scary: Imagine that it is the Seder night and you are about to eat the kezayis of matzah. Wow! You are full of hislahavus for this opportunity to fulfill the once-a-year mitzvah d’Oraysa of achilas matzah. But for some reason, you are not so hungry, so you just take a nibble. All you manage to eat is a chatzi shiur, half the amount you are obligated to eat to fulfill the mitzvah. No one would even entertain the thought of being yotzeh the mitzvah of matzah with a chatzi shiur. You aren’t yotzeh the mitzvah with a chatzi shiur! You need a full shiur.
The Pnei Menachem, in a voice full of rachamim combined with demands from the tzibbur, continued, “Teshuvah is also a mitzvas asei. Does anyone think that they can be yotzeh the mitzvah of teshuvah with a chatzi shiur, with a half measure, with just a nod to Hashem that this year I will try to be better if I can?”
The Pnei Menachem then concluded, “We are not saying that you can’t say half the Selichos or half the machzor. (There are circumstances, especially for women, when people cannot say more.) Still, a person should understand that saying the words is not the goal. The goal is that a nekudah, a pintele in one’s heart, must be opened. Even if one says only part of the tefillah, it isn’t the number of words that counts. The full shiur of teshuvah comes from the heart. The real heart. A real change in the heart, a real hisorerus of the pintele Yid that is a burning ember in every neshomah and just needs to be ignited.”
Teshuvah With Simcha
Yes, we do have to ignite that pintele Yid, that tiny bit of pure ratzon that we have within us, but at the same time, we should not lose sight of the fact that teshuvah is a mitzvah.
I once heard something astounding from a distinguished oveid Hashem. He said that teshuvah must be done with simcha. Yes, that sounds a bit paradoxical. If we are expressing our deep remorse for the aveiros we committed, isn’t that a contradiction to simcha? The answer is no! Teshuvah is a mitzvah. Just like any other mitzvah must be done with simcha, teshuvah must also be done with simcha.
Think for a second about how aveiros distance us from Hashem and how close we become once again when we do teshuvah and tell Hashem, “Hashem, I don’t want to be so far. I want to come back. I will not return to that place again. I feel sorry for having done something that You don’t allow…”
When we think such thoughts, when we think of ways to ensure that we don’t fall into that deep pit again, we can almost feel the heaviness of the aveirah floating away, leaving us feeling lighter, closer to Him, and ready to start again.
The Torah Was Not Given to Malachim
It is important to understand what the Gemara teaches us that the Torah was not given to malachim. The same Ribbono Shel Olam Who created us with all our different retzonos, for good and even for the opposite of good, also gave us the mitzvah of teshuvah. The Torah wasn’t given to malachei hashareis. It was given to human beings, with all their ups and downs. Hashem created teshuvah because He knows our nature. If we show Him that we want to return, He accepts us.
All we need to do, as the Pnei Menachem said, is to arouse that pintele Yid, that pintele hartz.
Before Withdrawals, Make Deposits
There is one other thought that I would like to share that is very appropriate for the days of Selichos and throughout the Yomim Noraim.
It is interesting that we begin Selichos with the tefillah of Ashrei. Why would we begin Selichos with Ashrei? Ashrei doesn’t talk about aveiros or about mechilah for aveiros. Rather, it is a powerful tefillah of praise that Dovid Hamelech says to Hashem. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to begin Selichos with the kappitlach of Tehillim where Dovid Hamelech actually talks about chattaim and selicha? Think of kappitlach with pesukim such as, “V’chatasi negdi somid – My sin is always in front of me,” or the words, “Hasoleiach l’chol avoneichi – He who forgives all of my sins.” Instead, we begin Selichos with the tefillah of Ashrei, which is full of exalted praise. Why?
Perhaps a reason that we begin Selichos with the tefillah of Ashrei is to show that before we can even think of begging Hashem to have mercy on us by being mochel our aveiros, we must first recognize how much He has already done for us. If a person only asks, begging Hashem for things as if He is some kind of ATM machine, without first realizing how much kindness He has bestowed upon him and continues to bestow upon him, he is missing an integral part of his relationship with Hashem.
Now, at the end of the year, before we start begging Hashem for mechila for ourselves, we must stop and take the time to think about all the goodness that Hashem did for us this past year and thank Him for it.
Once we have shown Hashem how happy we are with His hanhagah and how appreciative we are for what He has done for us, we can also beg Him for mechilah and plead with Him to grant us a year of brocha, hatzlocha, and the fulfillment of all our requests.
