If you take a close look at any group of people, you’re likely to find different approaches to the universal task of tackling life. Each person has a specific modus operandi or mode of operation. And each of these modes, in turn, is based on a specific motivation.
Let’s take a look at three of them.
I’d like to start by introducing Mr. Principled. Now, we all like to think of ourselves as principled people. We take pride in possessing a solid set of values by which we do our best to conduct our lives. But Mr. Principled goes far beyond that.
What I’m talking about is not only someone whose life is guided by the Torah or, l’havdil, by the rules and regulations of secular law. Beyond the rules that guide society, Mr. Principled has a very decided set of personal guidelines that govern every aspect of his life and relationships. And he’s not afraid to make the tough decisions that are sometimes needed to implement them.
If Mr. Principled is a father, his child-rearing technique will adhere firmly to his chosen set of values. He’s the kind of parent who, after warning his mischievous son that the next infraction will mean losing that night’s Chanukah gifts… will actually go ahead and carry out the threat. Finding his warning ignored and the misbehavior repeated, he will stand by his word and withhold the gifts he so lovingly chose for his child.
Though the decision may cause him even more pain than it causes his son, he believes in Sticking to his Guns. In Seeing Things Through. In doing what’s best for his child in the long run, even if it makes him unpopular in the short term. And, difficult as it may be at times, that’s what he does.
Miss Principled is the kind of teacher whom students know not to cross. However charming and interesting she may be in the classroom, her rules are not made for bending. Any pupil who tests this truth will soon learn her lesson, the hard way.
What motivates Principled People is a clear sense of right and wrong, and a driving desire to impose that clarity on their world.
Next, let’s move on to a different sort of person. His strength lies in his ability to troubleshoot. To solve problems. To achieve his aims in the most efficient possible way. In short, to make things happen.
Mr. Practical, as we’ll call him, has the ability to think out of the box. While he may be as principled as the next guy, it’s not right and wrong per se that fuels many of his day-to-day decisions and actions, but the simple goal of getting the job done. To that end, he’s prepared to be innovative and even daring.
He’s the kind of person who’ll casually stroll into the office of some prestigious hospital doctor without an appointment or a by-your-leave, to discuss his relative’s case. Before the doctor can do more than blink in surprise, Mr. Practical is asking questions and batting around possibilities. His motto might be, “Act first and apologize later.” A certain amount of chutzpah is one of the tools in his toolbox, and he has no hesitation in using it when necessary.
Mr. Practical’s world view may be as firmly grounded in principles as Mr. Principled’s. What distinguishes one from the other is Mr. Practical’s down-to-earth readiness to solve a problem or get the job done. While Mr. Principled pauses to assess the rights and wrongs of a troublesome issue, Mr. Practical is already forging ahead to find a solution.
A whole different kettle of fish than either of these two is Mrs. People Pleaser. I’ve deliberately made her persona a feminine one, since it’s known that women, by nature, are generally more eager to please than their male counterparts. Which is not to say that men don’t fall into this category as well. Both of them have an earnest desire to win other people’s approval and, by extension, their love.
Everyone wants to be liked, but Mrs. People Pleaser goes the extra mile. That’s why it can be so hard for her to be decisive. In contrast to the Principled, who are fearless in implementing what they believe to be right, and to the Practical, whose forte is efficient troubleshooting, People Pleasers find it hard to settle on a course of action unless they’re sure it won’t offend others or rob them of respect for her.
To use our example with the mischievous child whose naughty behavior lost him his Chanukah presents, Mr. Practical, while perhaps not inclined to go as far as his more principled counterpart, might applaud Mr. Principled’s action as being likely to make a lasting and hopefully beneficial impression on the misbehaving child: a practical outcome. Mrs. People Pleaser, however, would likely be horrified at the possibility of losing her child’s love through such drastic measures.
In general, choosing one thing over another is hard for her unless she has the full-hearted support of those whom she admires and respects. Her eagerness to win their approval can often be strong enough to override her own feelings. If asked to state her own opinion or preference on a subject, she may quote others’ views instead of expressing her own. She’ll go along with what others want rather than run the risk of alienating them by stating her own wishes. She wants to be absolutely sure to get it right, in order to obtain the love and acceptance she longs for.
Mrs. People Pleaser can be kind to others, but her kindness is often tinged with neediness. She craves recognition and acceptance. Unlike Mr. Principled, who acts as he sees fit regardless of others’ opinions, or Mr. Practical, who’s mostly interested in solving the problem and moving on to the next thing, Mrs. People Pleaser measures her actions by the reactions of others.
Weighing the Modes
If we weigh each of these three modes of operation, we find that all of them have their points of genuine strength and their areas of real weakness. Mr. Principled may be so blinded by the perceived correctness of his path that he fails to take into account people’s sensitivities. Others’ feelings tend to take a back seat to his own convictions. This does not always play out well on the stage of human relationships where flexibility, and not rigidity, is needed to oil the wheels.
Mr. Practical can be so focused on mustering the necessary resources to do the job at hand that he ends up viewing the people around him as just another resource. This utilitarian approach can lead him to be short-sighted about how others feel and think. The job, and not its attendant emotions, is what’s paramount for him. This can be a real detriment when it comes to really seeing people and relating to them outside the scope of their practical usefulness.
People Pleasers can be delightful to have around, since their main aim in life is to please! However, their underlying neediness can lead to hurt feelings and resentments. We all want to be loved, but that need should not be a bottomless pit.
When one’s paramount goal is to please others with the goal of winning acceptance and love, there’s little room in the picture for either principles or practicality. Decisiveness flies out the window. Also, a certain degree of sincerity is sacrificed on the altar of gaining others’ approval. You’re never really yourself if your whole focus is to be what others want you to be.
Of these three approaches to life, which mode of operation resonates most closely with you?
