In A Perfect World: Fretting and Figuring

Are you a fretter or a figurer?

Let me explain what I mean.

On the journey through life, we encounter obstacles on a regular basis. We step into situa­tions, or situations smack into us. Our way for­ward is often barred by brick walls, or at least walls that resemble bricks. Even when we can’t yet see them, we can imagine the road ahead lit­tered with minefields.

Apart from obstacles to surmount, there are also projects to launch and complete. A lavish yom tov or a simcha to prepare. A new masechta to conquer. Tests to take and interviews to ace. There’s an ongoing need to prove something to ourselves or to others. How do we cope with these challenges?

If you’re a fretter, you’ll start by freezing in fear at the enormity of what confronts you. Like the student paralyzed by the amount of mate­rial she’s called upon to study. The housewife who finds herself swimming around and around the pond of worry in her head at the thought of what she must accomplish in the days or weeks or months ahead. Or the insecure yeshiva bochur who feels like giving up before he even begins.

Fear of failure roots us to the spot. It does its best to prevent us from putting our best foot forward, or even any foot forward. The student imagines herself staring at a test paper and not knowing a single answer. The balebusta feels ex­hausted at the mere thought of her future ex­haustion. The yeshiva bochur wants to run away, lest he betray how unfit he feels to keep up with his companions in the bais medrash.

When an obstacle seems too great or a project too immense, the fretter flounders in fear. The dimensions of the challenge may be actual, or they may be blown up to gargantuan propor­tions by the fretter’s worry. At the extreme edge of the spectrum, a person can fret herself into a frenzy that leads to a state of near emotional paralysis.

In the grip of such a state, the student’s mind isn’t clear enough to even think about studying. Ditto for our poor bochur in the bais medrash. As for the fretful housewife, she spends virtually all of her energy running the treadmill of her anxiety, unable to divert it to productive use.

Cool Under Fire

At the other end of the spectrum is the figur­er. This hardy soul spends little or no energy on

doomful imaginings or on questioning his own competence. The specter of fa­tigue or failure leaves him unmoved. Instead of wallowing in worry, he sits down and figures out what needs to be done. He draws up a plan and musters his resources. And then he simply rolls up his sleeves and tackles the job until it’s finished.

Fretters often marvel at figurers. The latter’s coolness under fire leaves them breathless with awe. Figurers, for their part, may observe a fretter’s frenzy with a certain amount of disdain. Ei­ther because they lack imagination or because they’re programmed to do more than to feel, they are constitu­tionally incapable of entering into the fretter’s world of worry.

Figurers are planners and doers. At their best, they’re able to channel their energies productively because they don’t let unproductive emotion get in the way. At their worst, they can turn themselves into calculating “doing” machines which neither see nor care for other people’s frailties. They may appear rather inhuman in their intol­erance for those weaker than they.

Fretters, on the other hand, are often extremely empathetic to those who, like them, worry about surmounting the obstacles and successfully com­pleting the big projects in their lives. Being on such intimate terms with fear of failure, they can recognize and sym­pathize with others who demonstrate the same dismaying symptoms.

Being a fretter isn’t easy. But it does come with a wonderful bonus: hum­bled by their fears, fretters find it nat­ural to turn to Hashem for the strength and success they need. This is in con­trast to figurers, who court the danger of relying too much on their own con­siderable abilities without reference to their Source.

In Good Measure

A middah, as we know, means a mea­sured amount. As with any other char­acter trait, a propensity to either fret or figure should optimally avoid the outer edges of the spectrum.

Extreme fretters run the risk of fail­ing through the very fear of failure that ties their hands. Extreme figurers need to be wary of turning into robot-like accomplishers without a heart. Obvi­ously, neither extreme is healthy. The first mode sacrifices functionality, while the second sacrifices empathy and simple human kindness.

What fretters need to remember is that a person’s worth is not measured by her G-d-given talents but by the character she’s worked to develop and build. She needs to remember not to compare herself to others, especially not the cool-headed planners and do­ers who are lucky enough not to get all tangled up emotionally when con­fronting the hurdles that life continu­ally throws at us.

She needs to remember that it’s okay to ask for help, okay to keep things simple, and okay not to be strong as a rock twenty-four hours a day. That it’s okay to be herself, with all her limita­tions. Accepting that premise can help clear her mind and prime her engines for getting the job done.

What figurers need to remember is that not everyone is as cool under fire as they are. That what looks to them like just a job can manifest to someone else as an unclimbable mountain.

When making their calculations, devising their plans and tallying their achievements, they can feel inordi­nately proud of themselves. It’s useful for them to bear in mind the feelings of those who don’t find such tasks as easy as they do. This won’t make them any less efficient but will certainly make them more sympathetic, and perhaps also a tad less prone to conceit over their own amazing efficiency. A con­ceit which can leave Hashem out of the equation by focusing too much on “see what I can do!”

We all have a bit of both in us. When faced with a huge job such as making Pesach or a wedding, we can be forgiv­en for indulging in a few moments of fretful imagination. Most of the time, we move past that stage and into the figuring and doing stages without too much difficulty. One thing that helps when battling insomnia because we’re worrying about the millions of things that need doing, is to sit down and make a list. This clarifies our thinking and provides a tangible focus for our otherwise diffuse anxiety. Knocking off the items on the list, one by one, provides a sense of empowerment and satisfaction which, in turn, energizes us to do more.

Under pressure, we rarely stand still. All through the process, we move from fretting to figuring and back again. Throw in some heartfelt tefillah for si­yata d’Shmaya, and we can generally move on to a successful conclusion… until the next time that we’re called upon to face a big hurdle or launch a mammoth project.

Then we’ll have to do the balancing act all over again: fretting and figuring in the right measures, to achieve the perfect middah for handling what life throws at us.