Snow had come to Baltimore, and I was thoroughly enjoying the city’s new look. As I stood looking out at the white-shrouded landscape, my attention was caught by the branches of a tree outside my window. For a second, I thought I’d mixed up my seasons. Though we were deep into December, mounds of soft white buds covered the branches with the downy bloom of early spring.
Then I looked again. What I’d taken for delicate white spring blossoms were actually small, frozen clumps of snow clinging to the branches. From a distance, winter’s bounty had been transformed into a scene of springlike beauty.
Which brought home to me a truth which we all know but don’t always fully appreciate: appearances can be deceiving.
So can first impressions. Those with a very finely tuned intuition may have learned to trust their initial judgement on meeting someone new. The wise will give it a little more time. That’s why second dates are so important. What you think you’re seeing in the person sitting opposite you may be only the tip of an invisible iceberg. Or completely misleading. Or just plain wrong.
The springlike buds you think you see clinging to a tree branch may actually be clumps of ice-cold snow. Or vice versa. Or something in between. You just don’t know till you take a closer look.
Snap Judgements
I recently hosted some relatives at my home over Shabbos. One of them, a ten-year-old girl, was suffering from a cold and needed plenty of tissues. While sitting in the kitchen, I noticed her returning again and again to fetch them for her runny nose. But instead of plucking a tissue from a box on the counter near the entrance, she bypassed that box entirely and traipsed across the entire kitchen to a second box sitting there. This puzzled me. Why, I found myself wondering when this scene repeated itself at least four times, didn’t she simply use the box closest to her? Why the long trek out of her way?
It was on the tip of my tongue to point out that there was a tissue box right near the door. Reluctant to cause her embarrassment, I refrained. Still, I wondered… until I happened to pass that first tissue box, and I saw that it was empty. My young guest, taking note of this, had naturally detoured over to the next available box. While I’d simply assumed that she hadn’t noticed the first one at all.
This could be a classic dan l’kaf zechus story. But the point I’d like to make is how different things often look from the way they actually are. We assume things based on our own preconceived notions: i.e., there are plenty of tissues in the nearer tissue box, making it odd that she keeps choosing to hike over to the more distant one. My thoughts were based on a false assumption, while her actions were grounded in reality.
Or take the kind of people who ask “klutz kashes.” I’m talking about the kind of question whose answer seem so glaringly obvious that you figure they’re either not thinking straight or they somehow have their facts wrong. At times, though, it’s not a question of fact, but of fear. A person, for example, may ask how to do something apparently straightforward out of fear of getting it wrong. Perhaps someone once tricked them and made them look foolish. Maybe they’ve learned to stop trusting themselves. Or trusting that things are really as simple as they seem.
Whatever the cause, they can be prompted to ask too many questions and demand too many reassurances before they’re willing to act. This can be annoying to those who are called upon to answer those endless questions and offer all those reassurances. But perhaps compassion can temper the annoyance a bit, if we remember that there’s usually a reason behind even the “klutziest” question. What seems to stem from a lack of thought or intelligence may in truth stem from completely different motivations. Appearances can be deceiving.
Picture the kind of individual who goes through life with a huge smile on her face. On the surface, she appears to be the happiest-go-lucky person you ever met. And, indeed, she may be. But that ever-present smile could also be an indication of other things. It may be a mask for an underlying shyness. It could be a plea for affection in a person who never felt loved enough. It might be a defense mechanism for coping with a world that makes her feel helpless and afraid.
There are many things in life like that perpetual smile. Things which may bear numerous meanings and messages, if only we knew how to read them.
Look Again
While researching shidduchim for my children, I’d sometimes come across the following accolade: “What you see is what you get.” In other words, the individual in question is an honest, up-front, straightforward kind of guy. The implication being that there are no hidden depths or personality traits waiting to pounce and confuse or frighten off a prospective match. The way they present themselves is the way they are.
Which may be absolutely correct… as far as it goes. But there’s no one on earth who is all surface. Everyone has his hopes and his insecurities, things he loves and things he fears. All of these that lend depth and dimension to even the most up-front character. We’d do well to remember that and not make the mistake of dismissing any human being as one-dimensional. Because such a thing doesn’t exist!
Realizing this makes getting to know people a lot more interesting. Instead of taking everything we see at face value, we can invest the time and trouble required for a closer, more focused look. Who knows? We may discover a fascinating treasure that lies under even the seemingly simplest façade.
And we can learn, as I did with my young relative that Shabbos, not to make snap judgements or hasty assumption. People do things for a reason, even if they’re not always aware of what those reasons are. There’s a saying that “seeing is believing,” and of course that’s true. Still, we shouldn’t rely too much on the evidence of our own eyes, since they’ve been known to betray us now and again.
Like when they show us a glimpse of springtime in the middle of winter… and then say, “Look again.”
