Having just come off a week of Sheva Brachos for a dear young relative, I’ve been musing about marriage lately. More specifically, about what advice I’d give to a young kallah just starting out in married life.
The problem with advice is that those who most need it are usually too inexperienced to know it. With the infallibility of youth, they launch themselves onto new projects radiating confidence and optimism. It’s this youthful energy that makes things happen… but it’s the wisdom of their elders that can be so useful in guiding them. If they’re willing to slow down enough to listen!
Still, even with the wisdom born of experience, it can be hard to offer one-size-fits-all marriage advice. That’s because every couple has its own dynamic. There’s a line that people sometimes use to explain why they want to stop seeing someone for shidduch purposes: “There’s no chemistry.” What they’re saying is that the spark is missing that makes things happen between people. A meeting of minds with the potential to lead to a meeting of hearts.
When you combine different chemicals in a laboratory, a change is supposed to take place. Something about the combination creates a new reality that didn’t exist before. That’s why advice to a young couple must be tailored to their specific personalities, as individuals and as a couple.
Nevertheless, there are a few ideas that can apply to every new chosson and kallah, and to virtually every new couple. I’d like to address the female portion of the equation now. What is the formula for turning a sweet young bride into a good wife?
We all learned in seminary that a good wife is one who faithfully carries out retzon baalah, her husband’s wishes. And when husbands are living properly and sharing the right goals with their wives, that’s exactly what she should do. With him serving as the spiritual head of the home, she’s supposed to support him with a smile.
At the same time, husbands are encouraged to bend their heads to listen to their wives’ advice. We find references throughout our history of men who prudently consulted with their wives at a critical point in their affairs. Even the wicked Haman did so, and his wife’s words turned out to be uncannily prescient when she predicted his downfall through Mordechai and the Jewish people.
We also see examples of wives who took matters into their own hands when not consulted.
Rivka Imeinu is a prime example. So is the wife of On ben Peles, whose quick thinking saved her husband from the depredations of Korach’s plot to overthrow Moshe Rabbeinu, and from the terrible punishment eventually meted out to Korach and his followers.
Womanly Wisdom
Chochmas noshim bonsah beiysah: the wisdom of women builds the home. Carrying out her husband’s wishes is only part of the equation. Far beyond this is her responsibility to use her inborn discernment to see where either he, or someone else in their household, has taken a false step. And then do something about it.
Have you ever had a dream in which people are acting in a way that you know is not proper, but when you try to point it out to them no one listens? The dreamlike figures around you seem committed to a course of action that is glaringly wrong, such as making plans to travel on Shabbos or mistreating an innocent person. With every fiber of your being, you know that they’re headed in the wrong direction. But somehow, all your attempts to point this out fall on deaf ears.
Life can be like that.
A smart wife will do two things. First, she’ll learn to trust her intuition. If she has a sense that her husband is about to make a bad decision, such as investing in a risky venture or trusting the wrong person, she must listen to the little voice inside her that’s issuing a warning. Sometimes, especially when they’re young and unsure of themselves, women will fall back on the safer notion of “good wives fall in with their husband’s wishes” instead of stepping into their other role of wise confidante and advisor. With disastrous consequences.
When it comes to the children, too, a good mother will pay attention when something seems off. She learns not to disregard the tingling of her intuition when it comes to her family’s welfare. Timidity is not the appropriate response in a crisis. Meek, mindless obedience will not get the job done. If the wisdom of wives builds the home, then it’s the wife’s responsibility to draw on that wisdom to build her family. Even if she doesn’t yet believe in herself enough to always heed what her heart is telling her.
Traditionally, a woman’s role has been either ornamental or practical. She’s praised either for her beauty or for her housekeeping skills. What can sometimes get overlooked is her role as the power behind the throne. If the husband occupies the king’s throne in their home, she’s the trusted queen who sees to it that all is well in the kingdom. To do any less is to abdicate her most valuable job of all.
Being the power behind the throne takes both courage and tact. It’s not enough to know what needs to be done. She needs to be brave enough to present her thoughts to her husband, even if she knows they contradict his own. An Eishes Chayil, as the term implies, is a woman of valor. But she must employ the right tactics to win her chosen battle. Bombarding him with criticism is not going to get her far. She needs to find a loving and diplomatic way to show him where he’s gone wrong. A way that will get him on board the right train, instead of making him want to blow up the whole train station in frustration!
If the chosson is considerably older than his kallah, substantially more experienced, or simply a more dominant personality, she may find it natural to simply melt into the shadow of his leadership. Much of the time, that works. But there are moments in every marriage when a good wife has to stand up and speak, even if what she has to say is not what her husband wants to hear.
If she married a good man, she should trust that the innate correctness of her view will eventually overcome his egotism, stubbornness, or desire to always be in the right. She must have faith in his ability to acknowledge the truth when it’s tactfully served up to him. To realize that the wife whom he may sometimes overshadow possesses something he doesn’t have but sorely needs: an ability to see what he can’t always see himself. An intuition which, for all his wonderful qualities, is simply beyond him.
And if he still refuses to listen, she must seek the courage to take matters into her own hands. She may seek outside support from rabbonim. She may implement damage-control decisions to circumvent his mistaken ones. Whatever she chooses to do, she needs to trust herself and her G-d-given feminine intuition.
Like Yaakov Avinu, who took the traits of his grandfather Avrohom and his father Yitzchok to become the man who knew how to respond appropriately to each event in his life, our kallahs must learn to be both the good wife who obeys her husband’s will and the good wife who stands up to him when necessary. In classic eizer k’negdo style, she must step into the important shoes she was meant to wear. Both pairs!
And then she’ll be a true Eishes Chayil, in the most complete sense of the word.
