ALMOST RIGHT
After sixteen years in Yerushalayim, I was moving back to the States. There were lots of things I was looking forward to, and some that I viewed with a tinge of apprehension. Falling into the latter category was the need to try to keep up with the fashion trends among the frum population on the East Coast. Back in Har Nof, I was considered well dressed if I wore a sheitel and any footwear other than sneakers.
The situation was about to get more complicated. Having crossed the ocean, it was time to get my fashion act together.
One day, when out shopping, I came across what seemed to me to be a stylish evening bag, perfect for a wedding or other elegant affair. I showed it to my sister, born and bred in Boro Park and now living in Lakewood, and asked her what she thought.
She studied my purchase. Then, with a tiny, regretful shake of her head, she murmured, “It’s almost right.”
What an apt metaphor for so many areas in life! How often do we invest time, thought and energy in trying to get things just right… only to find that reality falls short of the ideal? Almost right is about as close as we usually get.
Finding the perfect evening bag may not be an earthshattering issue, but it stands in for a much larger picture. Socially speaking, I’m talking about the pressing human need to fit in with those around us. And, on a spiritual plane, it’s about the equally powerful human desire to live up to our own best selves.
Let’s take the externals first. Whatever social circle you happen to inhabit, there will be always those whom a friend of mine used to call “the beautiful people.” She was referring to those individuals who just naturally seem to have it all together. The way they dress. The way they talk. The homes they create. The kind of people with whom they surround themselves. There’s a certain natural grace in everything they do. You might say that these “beautiful people” represent social perfection. True, perfection is not an unattainable goal in this world. But they sure come mighty close!
It goes far beyond social savvy or spot-on fashion sense. I venture to say that all of us have a secret ideal, the kind of person we admire and would wish to emulate. Whether it’s the style of her sheitel or the tilt of his hat, we like their look. On a deeper level, we are awed by her graciousness and unflappability, by his wise and generous nature. Their character becomes our ideal.
Unfortunately, the sweet ideal can turn sour. That happens when we look at such paragons of virtue and are enveloped by the bitterness of envy, competition, or disappointment in ourselves. Sometimes all three at once. What ought to motivate us works against us instead, casting a shadow over our happiness. We compare ourselves to the beautiful people and fall far too short in our own estimation.
What we fail to remember, in such cases, is that we’re all in the same boat. We are all passengers on the same enormous sailing vessel that’s taking each of us, individually, through the sea of years that sum up our lives.
The ship that’s called “Imperfect but Trying.”
Inward and Outward
The problem with comparisons is that they can leave us feeling inadequate and therefore sad. This would seem to imply that we should try at all costs to avoid setting our sights on others. We should focus only on ourselves, right?
Not necessarily. Too much focus on self can lead to too high a degree of self-absorption. Besides, it’s very beneficial to have a wonderful role model to look up to in whatever area we’re trying to grow. Everyone has their heroes.
For a teacher, it might be the colleague who knows how to dominate the classroom while still exuding an appealing warmth. For a yeshiva bochur, it could be the masmid who soars to spiritual heights while still managing to remain friendly and normal. For the balebusta, perhaps, it’s the woman who runs her home and raises her family with the perfect blend of graciousness and efficiency.
No, we can’t live our lives looking exclusively inward. In every field of endeavor, it’s not only good but also necessary to gaze outward at the admirable figures around us, so that we can learn from them. It’s just the emphasis that needs to change, away from competitiveness and envy and toward personal growth.
Taking Inventory
Still, the occasional inward glance is crucial. If a person wants to grow, she needs to look inside herself and take periodic inventory.
A truly honest self-assessment takes courage. She must gaze into the distance at her ultimate goal and see how far she still has to travel to get there. This can be disheartening. There are tough questions that need to be asked. Have I developed the traits I so much admire in others? Have I kicked the negative habits that are dragging me down?
Most of the time, the answers are not black and white. They fall somewhere on a spectrum between a bald “yes” and a flat “no.” A spot in the middle that stands for “sometimes” or “a little” or “still working on it.”
But for all the inner work to be done, as we’ve said, we must also fix our sights on points outside ourselves. Partly so that we can see exactly what we’re aiming for and what we should avoid. But even more, to be able to notice where others are lacking and can use our help. To do that, we need to focus outwardly.
Too much self-absorption impairs our ability to really see others. And not seeing is the first step to not being there for them when they need us.
A Reason to Celebrate
Like my ill-fated evening bag, we aim for perfection but often end up with a lackluster “almost right.” In the fashion world, that’s the equivalent of a flat-out failure. In the spiritual realm, however, the rules are different. When it comes to our avodas hamiddos, getting it almost right is a reason to celebrate! The closer we inch toward our ideal, the better we should feel. Even if we know that perfection will always be just a little bit beyond our reach.
Choosing a personal paragon of perfection to emulate is tricky. If we limit the choice to individuals with impeccable fashion sense or unerring social skills, we’ll probably always feel the tinge of insecurity that tells us we haven’t quite made it. If we want to feel good about ourselves, let’s keep our sights trained instead on the less tangible but far more enduring traits that are so much more worth winning.
On the wonderful middos we sometimes see in others and would love to adopt for our own. On the greatness of spirit which heals and warms those around us. On the wise mind and giving heart that brings counsel to the lost and balm to the suffering.
With these kinds of spiritual goals to aim for, the journey takes on a whole different color. “Success” and “failure” become far less relevant than the effort we put into the endeavor.
The definitions change, too. Those who find the inner courage to see themselves honestly are all heroes. And those who use their eyes to see what others need, and stretch out their hands to provide it, are all beautiful people.
Perfection may always be just beyond our reach. But toiling with good cheer to better ourselves, day by day, is in fact the very definition of… just right.
