BUILDING BLOCKS
Watch a child erecting a tower. With fierce concentration he piles one wooden block on top of the next, adding height with each new addition. But what his tower gains in height it often loses in stability. Before long, if he’s not careful, a last careless block will cause the whole structure to topple.
Enter a parent or sibling, eager to teach the child a valuable lesson. “Your problem is that you didn’t put the blocks down in the right order,” the helpful family member instructs. “First you have to lay down the biggest, strongest blocks. That’s the foundation of the tower. After that, you can add the lighter ones. With the big blocks down below to support them, your tower will stand!”
We all want our towers to stand.
Architects and engineers know that foundations must be strong. In addition, crucial support beams must be present throughout a structure, to keep the edifice standing. Have you ever tried to renovate a house or a room in a house, only to be told that a certain wall or pillar may not be removed because of its role as a supporting beam? Everything else is up for grabs, but the all-important support beams are inviolate.
No matter how many embellishments you may add to the house, nothing can take the place of those support beams. Trying to shore up crumbling walls later will be an exercise in futility. Build the foundation solid, leave the supporting beams untouched, and your chances of success soar.
Social structures have their support systems, too. Political parties, large corporations and even governments employ such things as an overarching mission statement, a well-articulated platform, or a carefully chosen board of directors to provide the underpinning they need. Should a crisis arise, or a vital decision be called for, you don’t want to have to start scrambling for answers. You want to have your governing body already in place and your platform thoroughly thought-out. The solution should be inherent in the structure you’ve built.
The United States Constitution, for example, represents an attempt to lay a firm foundation for a fledging nation. Concepts such as, electoral colleges, clearly defined governing branches, and the famous “checks and balances” system all serve as support beams for the edifice the Founding Fathers envisioned. Take any of them away and the structure sways perilously, its equilibrium lost.
When it comes to interpersonal relationships, there’s an equally crucial need for a solid underpinning.
A solid moral underpinning.
Raw Material
The type of cement a builder uses in creating the foundation of his structure will affect the result. Superior quality will enhance the building’s stability; inferior quality will do the opposite. I had the privilege of living in Har Nof when the infamous collapse of a (thankfully empty) building occurred. The neighborhood had been cobbled together by a band of contractors who sometimes tried to cut corners by using inferior materials. Seeing an entire building crumble to the ground was their payback.
In any relationship, but especially in marriage, the quality of the raw materials is key. That’s why so many hopeful young people write “good middos” at the top of their “Things I Want in a Spouse” list. There’s no question that good middos are crucial when it comes to navigating the ups and downs of marriage. Let’s see why.
It’s easy to sail through the sea of marriage when the waters are calm. Nothing could be more pleasant than sitting together and enjoying the sparkle of sunlight on placid waves. But when the winds kick up and stormy weather arrives, it will be the strength and stability of the marital vessel that matters. The qualities which you and your spouse possess, individually and collectively, will make all the difference to whether the ship flounders or thrives.
Let’s go back to the phrase “individually and collectively.” They are written in that order for a very precise reason. For all the talk about the importance of communication in marriage, there’s something else that comes first. Even before the two of you start figuring out how to work well together, each of you, as an individual on your unique journey through life, needs to build yourself. Because it’s the qualities in each of you, in terms of values and character, that will determine the outcome.
When the waves are roiling and crisis rears its ugly head, it will be the inner qualities of you and your spouse that keep the vessel afloat. When the earth shakes as underground tectonic plates scrape angrily against one another, it will be the moral strength you’ve each garnered that will bring relief from disaster. Even before you and your partner sit down to learn how to talk to each other, you owe it to yourself and to each other to strengthen your own underpinnings. To refine your character and renew your commitment to your core values.
At the end of the day, it’s those values and that character that will make all the difference. They are your foundation stones. Your high-grade cement. They are the support beams that keep the whole thing standing.
Values are things we are given by others. Hashem gave us the Torah with His guidelines for a proper life. Our parents and teachers do their best to transmit those values to their children, who will pass them on in their turn to the next generation. Receiving an education in values is a passive thing. It’s what we do with those values that calls for thought, decision, and action. It’s how we use those values that defines the kind of character we build.
When the chips are down and our spouse needs us to be strong for them, that’s when character counts. When emotional and spiritual strength are called for, we need to be capable of providing them. But that can only happen if we devote a great deal of effort, both before and during the marriage, to honing our values and building our characters. In other words, putting “good middos” at the top of our own to-do lists for internal work.
Once the blocks start tumbling down, it’s a little too late to start trying to figure out where we’ve gone wrong. Let’s remember that a building is only as strong as its foundation and support beams, and a relationship is only as solid as its component members. That means that, quite apart from your work as a couple, is your work as an individual. It’s the job of each of us to make the most of ourselves where it counts, so that we can give the best of ourselves when it’s needed.
When each member of a couple strives mightily to turn him or herself into a pillar of strength, kindness, and emunah, the edifice of a magnificent bayis neeman b’Yisroel is the result.
Because a family, like a building, is only as sturdy as its support beams and as strong as its foundation.
