FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
Bookstore shelves the world over are groaning under the weight of books promising the secret to modern humanity’s most ardent desire: success.
In the old days, the item at the top of man’s wish list was survival. If a person made it past childhood, had enough to eat, and managed to eke out a living to support his family, he felt that he’d had his fair share of good fortune. But that picture has changed along with the times.
Thanks to the ingenuity that Hashem has granted us, we’ve made tremendous strides in the battle against infant mortality, sickness, and poverty. We are able to take things for granted that our ancestors could never do. These days, rather than aiming for simple survival, we’re on the fast track for success. In our personal lives, in our careers, and in our relationships. The question is how to find it.
The search for that elusive secret formula is ongoing and vigorous. Each of the multitudes of self-helps books populating all those bookstores offers its own vision of the process and its own patented solution. They’ll tell you how to win friends and influence people, how to be organized and use your time well, how to find the love you need, and so on. Each holds out the golden key to success in a particular area of expertise. And each probably contains some kernel of truth.
Nowhere is the quest for success more enthusiastic than in the search for one’s soulmate.
While the outside world has its own methods and prescriptions, our focus is on achieving success in the realm of shidduchim. Rabbonim, rebbetzins, therapists, and dating coaches are often asked to weigh in when confused or discouraged daters crave guidance. This paper’s popular and well-executed Shidduch Forum highlights the wide variety of questions and perplexities that arise in the course of the all-important hunt for a life partner.
I lay no claim to wisdom in this area, or in any other. All I know is what I’ve come across through my own experiences with and observations of the shidduch world. And the one thing that stands out above all else is the fact that everyone has his or her own take on the matter.
They say that it’s rare to find two Jews who agree on anything, and pinpointing the most efficient route to the chuppah is no exception to that rule.
Contradictory Advice
My mother likes to quote the Steipler Gaon, zt”l, who purportedly said that if a candidate for a shidduch has sixty percent of what you’re looking for, you should take him (or her, as the case may be). We might paraphrase this advice as, “Nobody’s perfect. If you’re looking for one hundred percent, you’re going to be disappointed.”
There’s a famous saying to the effect that “perfect is the enemy of the good.” In every area, striving for absolute perfection can prevent a person from attaining something that, while falling short of the perfect ideal, is nonetheless good and desirable. In our ambition to be the best people we can be, we can ignore the baby steps if we can’t grow wings and fly. We can neglect to improve ourselves a little because we want to improve ourselves completely.
Misguidedly, we may drop the attempt altogether unless we are assured of total success. “I won’t daven at all unless I can daven perfectly” is an attitude that obviously shoots the would-be davener right in the foot. Waiting until you can do something perfectly is far less sensible than simply doing the best you can and trying to improve as you go.
The same, according to the sixty-percent rule, holds true in the area of shidduchim. If you’re waiting for the perfect spouse, you may end up waiting forever, r”l. Aim for a realistic compromise, and the band will be striking up Od Yishoma before you know it!
Yet, there’s no question that you have to like the person that you decide to marry. If there’s a trait about a certain marriage candidate that annoys you, how much weight should you give it? What if sixty percent is acceptable but the other forty percent drives you up the wall? Every girl wants that diamond ring, but how far must we compromise our preferences and tastes in the name of winning the shidduch sweepstakes?
Then there’s the question of how long to date a prospective spouse. Some urge a short courtship. “You’ll have plenty of time to get to know him/her after you’re married!” They’re afraid that “dragging out” the dating stage will have a detrimental effect, by allowing discordance or dissatisfaction to creep into the budding relationship.
Others firmly disagree. They urge daters to take their time and really get to know the other person before they commit. Knowledge, they claim, is the key to success. A person should go into marriage with their eyes wide open, to avoid the possible pitfalls that ignorance can bring in its wake. Don’t be in such a hurry to reach the chuppah, they advise, that you stint on the crucial getting-acquainted phase of the relationship.
Who’s right? Which approach is more likely to lead to success?
As in so many areas of life, there are many voices stating many different opinions. But the answers remain elusive.
Teamwork
In my very humble opinion, there is no across-the-board magic formula for success. Any guide or mentor worth his salt knows that the solution must be tailored to the problem. Advice should be designed for the person seeking it. A one-size-fits-all approach can’t work for everyone, because everyone is different.
True, we can classify and categorize and make sensible generalizations. But each person who embarks on the quest for a happy marriage comes with their own background, baggage, and specific set of needs and wants. One may have a clearly defined vision and the kind of confident personality that allows her to trust her instincts and leap into the relationship. Another, more cautious by nature, needs a lot more time to feel sure. Neither one is right or wrong. Each is just embarking on the search in their own way and at their own pace.
Most important of all, to my mind, is not so much what each member of the dating couple is like, but what they’re like together. Are you comfortable with each other? Do you respect one another? Do you have a sense that you’d be able to be loyal to one another? These are important questions.
It’s also important to define “success” correctly. Winning a trophy wife or husband may feel good in the moment, but is he or she the partner with whom you can best create the home you dream of building?
Marriage is all about working together as a team, pulling in tandem toward mutual goals. The dating period is a perfect time to see if your minds are in alignment, and your dreams. How you sort out dating arrangements and deal with other issues that arise during your meetings can be an indicator of how the two of you would function together as a couple.
Maybe something about him annoys you, and maybe you find the courage to mention it to him. How he reacts, and how you react to his reaction, can foreshadow how you would probably deal with similar issues in the future. If he acknowledges a fault and says he’s working to change it, that bodes well. If one of you makes a respectful request, and the other treats it with disdain, that’s a red flag.
Dating doesn’t have to be an artificial bubble, completely detached from real life. It can serve as a predictor, an indicator for a possible mutual future. Just remember that you’re not only looking for a partner and companion, but also for the father or mother of your future children. Not only a spouse, but also the head of the household or its akeres habayis. That can help to sharpen your perspective about what it is you really want.
There’s no one secret formula that will lead everyone down the aisle toward marital bliss. But knowing yourself, plus carefully observing how you and Mr. Possible are when you’re together, can eventually point you in the right direction… toward success!
