Role Playing
A relative of mine recently gave birth to triplets. Her oldest child, a girl of five, initially reveled in her new role and was eager to do her bit to take care of the babies. As the weeks passed, however, the novelty began to wear off… until, just the other day, she remarked to her mother, “I don’t want to be a mommy anymore.”
In that little girl’s mind, she was not only helping her own mommy or pretending to be one. She was a mommy. And now she was getting tired of the job and wanted to go back to being a kid again!
Those of us who have passed our sixth birthday are generally well aware of who we are and who we aren’t. None of us would make the mistake of confusing a temporary or pretend role with the real thing. And yet, into every life there creeps a certain amount of role playing. It can manifest in perfectly normal ways or in patently unhealthy ones. But none of us is just one thing, all the time.
It’s fairly common for an older sibling to assume a quasi-parental role for her younger brothers and sisters. When her help is needed at home, and sometimes even when it’s not, her maternal instinct kicks in and gives her the impetus to “mother” her siblings. If not overdone, there’s no harm in this as long as her real parents and her siblings are okay with it. Her help is useful to both her mother and to the youngsters in her care.
It’s only if she is too heavy-handed with the little ones, too overloaded with responsibility or, martyr-like, feels obligated to assume too much unasked, that trouble can crop up. A teenage girl should be allowed to be just that, and not don the heavy mantle of parenthood before her time. Every role has its hour and its place.
The interesting thing is when a person assumes multiple roles within the same relationship. This is often evident in marriage, when one or both partners are drawn to someone who they subconsciously (or even consciously) believe will fill the gaping holes in their psyches left over from childhood. For example, if they felt insufficiently mothered or fathered, they may seek out a substitute who will do the job right.
Even if they were adequately parented, they can simply seek a repeat of the comforting roles they enjoyed as children. You’ll find many young men married to young women who fall naturally into a semi-motherly role toward them at times, especially when it comes to providing food and material comfort.
Either his own mother amply provided these things for him as he was growing up, and he wants a repetition of same in his marriage… or else he was deprived of those comforts as a child and craves them now. This is not to say that his mother never fed him. Rather, her manner when doing so may have been grudging, or distant, or otherwise unloving, leaving him aching for a soft pillow on which to rest his head. In marriage, he hopes to find it. Many women fall naturally into the mother role at times, thus helping to heal the husband’s childhood wound.
It also works the other way around. A timid or indecisive wife, for instance, may relish her husband taking on the strong “Daddy” role in their marriage. A wife whose actual father was remote or absent may be subconsciously searching for a more nurturing substitute when she marries. A husband who is steadfast, affectionate, and loyal can help heal her to finally move past her childhood aches and pains.
While all this role-playing is going on, the couple still acts out their primary roles as husband and wife. Obviously, it would obviously be unhealthy if either or both of them fell into an ongoing parent-child relationship within the marriage. But a dose of that special kind of giving and warmth now and then, as necessary, can go a long way toward helping each of them feel understood and well cared for.
Sometimes the pair switch roles, so that the parental role player becomes the child for a while, and vice versa. The decisive one will feel uncharacteristically irresolute at times and need his spouse’s powerful input. The “weaker” member of the couple can occasionally exhibit surprising resilience and strength for the other’s sake. A relationship as enmeshed and interdependent as marriage will include a fluid changing of roles as needed. In fact, it’s this ability to “be” what your spouse needs you to be at any given moment that helps make a marriage strong.
Adolescent girls, especially those from broken or dysfunctional homes, will often form intensely close ties with each other, a bond which seeks to provide for each of them what they lack at home. There will be a great deal of nurturing in such relationships, and a fierce loyalty. Once again, roles are being played that are not always consistent with strict reality. A friend can become almost a parental figure when necessary, filling the emotional void left by the girl’s problematic relationship with her actual mother.
The same can be true for an adolescent boy with his rebbi or other mentor. A harsh or non-involved father will leave his son in the market for some warm “fathering,” a role which his rebbi may at least partially fit. By filling these gaps, all these substitute role players grant their recipients a wonderful gift: a way to heal themselves and move forward. If they didn’t get what they needed one way, a good role player can help them get it another.
On some level, it seems, we actively seek out people who can give us what we’re missing. We human beings are amazingly resourceful at getting our needs met!
Multiple Roles
One of my favorite Shabbos zemiros is Yedid Nefesh, customarily sung at Shalosh Seudos. The opening words address Hashem as Yedid nefesh, Av harachamon: beloved Friend, compassionate Father. We’re referring to Him by using two different roles and relationships at the same time.
Similarly, on a fast day, we refer to Hashem as Avinu, Malkeinu: our Father, our King. Again, two very different roles are bracketed together as we address Him.
Hakadosh Boruch Hu can and does fill multiple roles with regard to us, His children, servants, and beloved friends. Even more incredibly, He fills them all simultaneously! The way we relate to Him at any given moment depends on the circumstances and the need. But they all exist, all the time.
If our goal in life is to imitate Hashem’s attributes as far as possible, maybe we can learn something from this as well. In any emotional relationship, rigidity is not useful. The more we can flow from one role to the next, to give our partner what he or she needs at any given moment, the stronger and more successful the end product will be.
Doing so is a tremendous chesed. Instead of being mocking or dismissive of another person’s need to be temporarily mothered or fathered or otherwise cared for, we can show our caring by healthily responding to that need… secure in the knowledge that this is a kind thing to do. And that they’ll do the same for us in our moment of need!
