Generation Gaps
I watched a scene the other day that got me thinking.
There were several adults standing in a knot, talking, while their children ran circles around them. The way those kids played was interesting. It was as if the grown-ups in their midst were objects in an obstacle course, just as impersonal and equally immovable. Temporarily stripped of their humanity, the adults were no more or less than a hindrance, to be avoided or bypassed as the kids went about their game. The children treated the solid masses of their parents exactly the way they’d have treated a tree or a marble pillar standing in their way.
It occurred to me that we sometimes do the same thing. When we encounter people in the course of our day, our reactions to them vary. Those whom we can relate to are accorded respect and affection, interest and interaction. The rest? They might as well be trees or marble pillars. We sidestep them. We don’t really see them. In a word, we ignore them.
The people we most naturally relate to are the group of our peers. In other words, members of our own generation. Look around at a party or simcha, and you’ll see a lot of splitting off by age groups. The adult men will gravitate toward one another; ditto for the adult women. The young marrieds have plenty to talk about, as do the teenagers.
And the kids, of course, see nothing beyond their potential playmates. When they’re playing, grown-ups don’t really exist for them. That’s why it’s so hard to get youngsters to focus when we try to break into their game and get them to pay attention to us. At that moment, adults are shadowy beings and the whole world of grown-up concerns is virtually non-existent.
Have you ever seen one of those Peanuts comic strips where the kids’ parents or teachers talk to them? Author Charles Schultz brilliantly captures the way children often perceive the speech of the adults in their lives: instead of putting actual words inside the talk bubble, he puts rows of meaningless lines. While you think you’re transmitting a message to those young people, all they’re hearing is a lot of white noise. Nothing is realer to a kid than the kids next to him, and the games they’re playing. The grown-ups might as well be speaking Sanskrit.
Other generational groups are hardly better. Ever try to listen in on a gaggle of adolescents? They might as well be speaking their own language. By and large, their interest in what any other group may be saying or doing is minimal. It’s the activities, alliances, and approval of their peers that are paramount. For those few turbulent years, not much else matters.
Young marrieds and first-time mothers find their new status endlessly absorbing, which can make it hard for them to relate to any other group for long. They can listen politely to the patter of their elders or those younger than they are, but frankly, they aren’t all that interested. The gap between the generations looms.
As for the older members of society, who can sometimes be made to feel invisible, they, too, turn instinctively toward their own peers. Like sunflowers to the sun, they set their sights on those who share experiences, memories and a world view to which the younger set has no claim. Like each of the other age groups, the senior set find their own topics of conversation enthralling. As fascinating as young people believe themselves to be, their elders can sometimes find their unseasoned chatter as tedious and uninteresting as the young ones find their talk.
And so, the gap lives on…
In the sixties, the younger members of society created a very public and very vocal revolution against their elders. “Never trust anyone over 30” was one of their deathless mantras. Instead of finding common ground, they rejected common sense. Instead of drawing parallels, they drew a sharp line in the sand.
Those long-ago boys and girls grew up and grew old, but the impact they made has left its mark. By and large, the youth in the larger world today do not venerate their elders. They treat them as nonentities. Clueless. Invisible. How tragic that, given the chance to promote the treasured bonds of a generational continuum, some choose instead to widen the gap with their lack of interest in anyone not exactly where they are!
When Magic Happens
Given this dismal state of affairs, how are people from different generational strata ever to bridge the gap? How can we learn to talk to one another?
There’s good news for the Jews: being the family-oriented society we are, the picture is not as bleak as it might be elsewhere. Even with all the undeniable pull of peer preference, we still spend plenty of quality time with other age groups on a regular basis. Shabbos meals, Yom Tov gatherings, Chanukah parties… there are numerous opportunities for mingling with those we otherwise rarely mix with. There are opportunities to hear things that are not necessarily echoes of what we think and feel. For a few minutes to enter the world of a whole different generation and see things from its point of view.
Our proclivity for doing chesed also opens doors. A teenager may visit an elderly woman from purely altruistic motives but end up bonding with her in the most unexpected ways. At the very least, a curtain has been pulled back on a world she had no idea existed. That brief glimpse into another reality can broaden a young person’s mind and deepen the stretch of her heart.
As for the older member of the twosome, she gains, too. A chance to impart hard-earned wisdom. To enjoy the company of someone who is not in exactly the same place in life as she is. And a refreshing peek into a life she’s left behind… with a twist. After all, no two generations are exactly alike. It’s the differences that make things interesting. There’s nothing like keeping up with the young to help an older person feel young at heart!
It’s undeniable that each group mostly has eyes for its own peers, and that the groups are largely defined by age. But not exclusively so. There are many delightful aunt-niece, older cousin-younger cousin, big sister-little sister combinations and the like, which transcend that insular tug. Unlikely but heartwarming friendships which push the limits of the expected.
Every once in a while, two travelers from different generational continents will meet up in an unlikely place and have an entrancing and eye-opening conversation. It happens. Maybe not often as it should.
But sometimes, when you throw different generations together, the result is pure magic.
