Smart Solutions
Suppose you have a Situation. It’s not a one-time thing; that would be a mere situation. This has all the weight of a capital “S” behind it because it’s an ongoing problem that is causing someone pain. In our hypothetical example, that someone is you.
Let’s take an extremely trivial example. A mosquito of a problem which nevertheless has the power to sting. Your neighbors down the block decide to raze their house to the ground and build a splendid new one from scratch. Their dream house. Turns out that their dream is your nightmare.
You were present to witness every stage of the demolition and then the exquisite rebuilding. And you were right there with the rest of your block at the grand re-opening, smiling for all you were worth and bearing home-baked gifts to celebrate the housewarming. Still, however hard you try, you don’t feel much like smiling inside. Celebrate what?
Each time you walk past that house, freshly-sharpened shards of glass pierce your armor all over again. You simply can’t look at that sparkling mansion without a stab of jealousy. You would adore such a house for your own growing family, but simply can’t afford to do what your neighbors did.
As I said, a mosquito of a problem… but one which has the power to hurt. You try to hide it. You try to ignore it. But in your heart (if I may be permitted to mix my metaphors) a nasty little mouse of envy gnaws painfully away.
A small problem, to illustrate a big issue. And the issue is this: what’s the correct way to handle a Situation? How, when faced with an ongoing, pain-inducing problem, does one set about solving it?
Let’s equip the hypothetical you with seven hypothetical friends. These friends are devoted to you and would dearly love to help you solve your problem. They are also very different one from the other, which means that their advice comes from very different angles.
One approach, that of Miss Stoic, is to declare, “Never mind the pain. You can bear this. Just square your shoulders, hold your head high, and walk past that house with grit in your eye and steel in your spine.” In other words, do nothing about the Situation except live through it. Take pride in your ability to endure.
Miss Optimist, otherwise known as Miss Chilled, doesn’t like the idea of enduring pain, however proudly. Then again, she doesn’t believe that you need to feel hurt in the first place. With her cheerful demeanor and rose-colored glasses, she gets through life by going with the flow. “Don’t sweat it,” she advises. “Don’t even think about it. If you keep on passing that new house, sooner or later it’ll become easier. After a while, you’ll hardly even notice it anymore!”
The third advisor, whom we’ll call Miss Practical, disagrees vehemently. She wants to eliminate the problem at the root. She is fond of quoting Einstein, who allegedly said that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Why keep on doing something that keeps on hurting? If it hurts to see that magnificent mansion… take a different route! Avoid the painful sight, even if it means going out of your way. Miss Practical wants to see results, and she wants to see them fast.
Miss Thrifty tends to see everything in terms of dollars and cents. She, too, takes a pragmatic approach. “Why are you even living in that neighborhood? You’d be much better off in more modest surroundings, where all the houses are simple and there’s nothing to make you jealous in the first place. Move away!”
Miss Intense, however, thinks that all the others are ignoring the most vital point. “This is much deeper than finding a way to get past that house or avoiding it altogether. It’s about your whole personality! Your middos! Your avodas Hashem! Why not take this opportunity to dig deep into your psyche and discover the cause of your envy, so you can tear it out by the roots?” She views life as one huge, enthralling project in which pain, while admittedly painful, can and should be used as a tool for advancing one’s personal growth. Mitigating the hurt is not on her agenda.
Miss Visionary takes it a step further. “Why stop at your own personal growth? This Situation can be used as a stepping-stone for advancing peace and growth in the whole neighborhood! By overcoming your envy and sharing the tale with others, you’ll help make the world a better place.”
There you have it: a half-dozen possible approaches to resolving your Situation. Six out of many. Which of your friends’ advice will you take to heart?
Your natural tendency will be to go where your own inclinations take you. If you share a trait with any of these advisors, their approach will feel the most comfortable. However, if you are a growth-oriented person, you may want to do the opposite. You may choose to grit your teeth and move out of your comfort zone, all in the name of doing the right thing.
The word middah means a measure. We all have lots of traits, which we are called upon to measure out in response to life’s Situations, as judiciously as a baker measures her flour and sugar. There are times when employing a certain trait is the right move, and other times when it would be wrong or inappropriate. Just because our inborn nature tells us to see things a certain way does not mean that that particular point of view is correct in every circumstance.
Conversely, the desire to stretch and grow doesn’t necessarily mean that the course most difficult for us to follow is always the right one. Simply put, there are no hard and fast rules.
How, then, is a well-meaning person supposed to figure out how to deal with the Situations in her life?
We know that our Patriarch, Avrohom Avinu, excelled at chesed, lovingkindness, while his son, Yitzchok Avinu, was the epitome of gevurah or self-discipline. Without minimizing an iota of their towering greatness, perhaps we can say that each tended to view the world through the lens of his own inborn and beloved trait. Their differing world views found their synthesis in the third Patriarch, Yaakov Avinu, who was not defined by any one trait or tendency. Rather, he was able to extrapolate from each situation (or Situation, as the case may be), what the correct response should be.
So how do you deal with the Situations in your life? There’s a seventh friend who hasn’t spoken yet. Her name is Miss Wisdom. She’s the one who helps us figure out, case by case, just what the circumstances demand. Like Yaakov Avinu, she’s not wedded to any one approach or another. Instead, she takes a good, hard look at all the factors involved, including those that lurk only in the recesses of her own heart. And then she makes a decision based on emes, truth. That is wisdom.
And that, my friends, is what each of us has the capacity to access in ourselves. We all have an inner advisor named Miss Wisdom who, after we clear away all the loud voices in our heads that insist that we react in one way or another, quietly assesses the matter and tell us the right thing to do.
All we need to do is pay close enough attention to hear her. And afterward, muster the strength to heed her!
