Landscape of the Lost
We lose a great many things on our journey through life. Like a child meandering carelessly down country roads, we drop bits and pieces of ourselves as we go.
At times, we hardly notice the loss. Often, we don’t even realize that something’s missing until it’s been gone for some time. In our whirlwind passage down the corridors of the years, things that we once believed to be intrinsic to our nature can reveal themselves as open to change. What we thought absolutely necessary to our wellbeing can suddenly turn out to be quite dispensable. Old opinions, fads, quirks and notions tend to fall by the wayside as we grow into our truest selves.
Each of us is unique, and so are our journeys. Still, there is a certain terrain that every life traverses, certain landmarks common to us all. It’s how we travel that makes us who we are. The way we handle the inevitable losses, and what we find to replace them, is what differentiates us from one another.
The first thing we lose, along with our childhood, is our innocence.
As very small people in a very big and often incomprehensible world, we sense our own helplessness keenly and are happy to take shelter in safe havens. Since the adults with whom we have the closest contact are good people, we assume that all people are the same. With no knowledge of the pitfalls and evils that lurk around so many corners, we cherish a wide-eyed confidence in the essential goodness of a world that can never harm us.
Sooner or later, our eyes are opened. Bad things can happen; bad people do exist. Our early innocence is sacrificed on the altar of reality. But as we become aware of evil, how keenly we appreciate genuine goodness when we see it!
Illusions, too, are lost somewhere along the journey. A close cousin of innocence, illusions tint everything with a rosy hue that can conceal the starker truth beneath. When illusion falls away, we are left with a sadder heart but a more down-to-earth grip on reality.
I’ll never forget the first time someone looked me right in the face and lied. Though I knew, in a theoretical way, that people sometimes veer dramatically from the truth to further agendas of their own, I’d never knowingly been on the receiving end of such a glaring falsehood before.
My innocent belief that people can generally be counted on to tell the truth was shattered then, as was my childish illusion that truth is equally valued by everyone. Instead, I was forced to face the sad reality that there are liars among us, people who walk and talk and look just like everyone else, but who consider emes to be optional. A malleable tool in their hands, to bend a situation to their will.
When our illusions dissolve like smoke in the wind, we need to find solid ground to stand on. Instead of giving our trust to just anyone, we learn to insist that they earn it—and deeply value the ones who do. Blind confidence is replaced by an attitude of trusting with discernment. We learn how to protect ourselves.
Another thing that frequently falls by the wayside during our trip through life is insecurity, mostly characterized by an earnest desire to win everyone’s approval. At some point, we come to realize that we’ll never please everyone, never be approved by everyone, and never be accepted by everyone. What may have felt devastating when we were younger simply becomes part of the landscape.
When we stop needing others to pat us on the back, we develop the necessary self-esteem to do it ourselves. With self-knowledge, we work hard to grow and develop in the ways we need to, regardless of others’ opinions. Just as we expect them to do, regardless of ours.
When we stop being defined by everybody else, we come to recognize that the only opinion that really matters is that of Hakadosh Boruch Hu. When contemplating a change or resolving a dilemma, we no longer feel compelled to poll everyone from our best friend to the mailman before we feel free to act. Our polling is directed Upward. As long as He approves, we know we can’t go wrong.
Something else that everyone loses along the journey of life is youth. As we trudge through the landscape of our days, whether smooth or rough, we gradually shed the outer layer of our youthful personas to become… someone else. Someone older and, hopefully, wiser. If the face that looks back at us in the mirror is no longer the face we saw there decades ago, neither is our bag of wisdom the same as the one we carried then. It is much heavier, filled with a plethora of marvelous, hard-won nuggets of experience and understanding to be relished and shared. As the sheen of youth fades, our energy might dim but the gleam of our inner gold glows all the more brightly.
Last but never least, we lose people we love. People with whom we walked life’s highways and byways, people without whom we can’t imagine existing, are suddenly gone, leaving the landscape barer and more bitter than before. When that happens, we sit down in the road to cry for a while. And then we pick ourselves up and keep on walking.
But we don’t walk alone. Each loss, each bereavement, tightens our bonds with those who are left. Friendships ripen and commitments intensify. When someone we love moves out of our life, it extinguishes some of the light that once shone on the terrain we are crossing. But, if we’re lucky, it kindles a different kind of light.
One that offers the warmth and the sense of connection that we need to keep on going.
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For every loss we sustain, there is some gain.
For the loss of innocence, we are compensated with a firmer grip on reality, without which no one can hope to get very far in life.
For the loss of our illusions, we learn to be careful about where we place our trust… and to cherish those who’ve earned it.
Abandoning our early insecurities makes us stop craving others’ approval. It changes the focus to developing inner lives that we can be proud of. And it prompts us to align ourselves ever more consistently with the eternal views handed down to us from Above.
The gradual loss of our youth comes hand-in-hand with the rewards of rich experience, increased wisdom, and the satisfaction of a job well done. It comes with a deepened sense of gratitude, and a more profound appreciation for that wonderful thing called life and those who share it with us. And it allows us to offer the fruits of our experience to those who are in a different phase of their journey. The pleasure of giving far exceeds the pleasure of receiving.
The loss of a loved one, while terribly painful, enhances our thankfulness for those who are still with us. It strengthens old ties and sometimes prompts us to seek out or create beautiful new ones. It also loosens our ties to this material world just a bit, making us that much readier for the eternal world that lies ahead.
For every loss, a concomitant gain. For each precious gem dropped by the wayside, we find another to help us on our journey. It’s not a question of tit for tat; let’s view it rather as a kind of merciful compensation. Life can be tough, but there are gleams of light to help us through even the darkest passes.
When something is lost, something else—often something vital—is found. The landscape of our lives is cluttered with all the things that have fallen away… along with so much else that lies ahead, beyond price. Just waiting for us to notice and pick it up.
