A great rosh yeshiva once said that being dan lekaf zechus is a bedieved.
What?! The mitzvah of being dan lekaf zechus, of judging others favorably, is only bedieved? It isn’t the ideal?
“Yes,” he explained. “Lechatchila, it’s none of your business.” Ideally, we shouldn’t be judging others in the first place!
This is a breathtaking concept. How often do we come across someone behaving in a way that leaves us shocked, upset, or even disgusted? “How could that person behave like that?” we fume. “What’s with everyone? Why can’t people be mentchlich/frum/considerate (or whatever it is we’re upset about)?”
We remind ourselves that we’re supposed to be dan lekaf zechus — we’re supposed to seek a favorable interpretation for what occurred. Sometimes we can convince ourselves that what happened wasn’t what we thought happened; sometimes we see no way around it. Well, that person’s not a tzaddik, we tell ourselves. He’s more like a beinoni, an average guy, and we don’t have to judge someone like that favorably when what he did looks that bad.
We feel righteous in our indignation and believe that we even extended ourselves in trying to judge the other person favorably. Too bad that what that fellow did was simply not favorable.
Do we stop for even a second and consider why we are actually judging that other person in the first place? Did anyone ask us to pass judgment and decide whether what he did was right or wrong? Does it make any difference to us or to our avodas Hashem? If we are comfortable in what we believe and in our life’s choices, why would we waste emotional energy on things others do that have zero effect upon us whatsoever?
True, there is a mitzvah in the Torah to be dan lekaf zechus. That mitzvah is called for in situations where we’re stuck and have no choice but to pass judgment upon another person. When someone calls us for shidduch information, for instance, we often must tell them something. If we know something negative, it is sometimes wrong not to share that information, as this may lead them into a negative situation they could have avoided had we been honest with them.
On the other hand, are we sure that the negative information is accurate? If not, we are equally misleading them by potentially blocking what could have been a great shidduch.
In such a case, we must make a judgment, and that is where being dan lekaf zechus comes in. If we’re sure about our negative information, we must share it. If there is room to be dan lekaf zechus, to judge the other person favorably, then we may not say something definitively negative. (Sometimes it is proper to let them know about our doubts and tell them to pursue the matter further on their own. Other times we may not say anything at all. These are often complicated questions, and someone knowledgeable in these halachos should be consulted when there is any doubt.)
Similarly, when it comes to hiring a worker or handyman, finding a chavrusa, fostering a friendship for our children (or ourselves), and other such areas where we find ourselves in a position in which we must pass judgment on another, we are enjoined by the Torah to be dan lekaf zechus.
However, in a case where we’re on our way to work, school or shul, or out shopping, or just passing by somewhere, and we see someone doing something to which our reaction is, “How can anyone do that?!” we may want to remind ourselves that there is actually no pressing need for us to pass any sort of judgment at all. To put it bluntly, it’s none of our business. Perhaps it was a horrible, thoughtless or hypocritical thing that someone did. Perhaps not. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll see that it makes no difference in our lives and is no concern of ours. Being dan lekaf zechus is not necessarily such a great mitzvah when we should perhaps not be dan at all.
Just Don’t Be Dan At All
When it comes to the yemei hadin, the Days of Judgment, we are taught that the way in which we judge others can directly affect the way in which we are judged. The Chofetz Chaim writes numerous times how important it is to try and see other ehrliche Yidden in general, and people we know in particular, in a favorable light. When we make an effort to view Hashem’s beloved children favorably, He will then — middah keneged middah, measure for measure — view us the same way.
As a naturally critical person, this writer will be the first to admit that seeing things in a favorable light can at times feel like one of the greatest nisyonos we can possibly face. After all, are we supposed to fool ourselves? Are we really supposed to convince ourselves that what that other person did or didn’t do was not a terrible thing, when, if we think about it for even a second, we know that it was?
The eitzah, the simple solution, then, is to realize that we actually don’t have to think about it, even for a second. It’s none of our business. It’s no concern of ours, which frees us to ignore it.
Are we being asked to make a shidduch with that person? Are we entering into a partnership with them? Are we their rebbi or teacher?
If the answer is none of the above — which it probably is ninety-five percent of the time, if not more — then there is no need to aggravate ourselves and go on and on about what we saw and write letters to the editor filled with righteous indignation about the elderly man we saw crossing the street and there were seventeen frum people around (we counted!) and not a single one of them helped him! (We would have helped had we not been so busy writing the letter in our minds about how nobody else was helping.)
The fact is that there probably was something we overlooked, though for the life of us we cannot imagine what that might have been. More importantly, though, we don’t have to imagine anything. If indeed a terrible middah was displayed, Hashem, the true Judge, knows about it. If we misunderstood what we saw, He knows that too. Our job is to make sure that we are constantly striving to do what’s right and do our best to influence anyone in our sphere, be they our children, friends, co-workers, students, etc. That’s our job, regardless of what we did or did not see.
So while it may be quite difficult to judge favorably in certain circumstances, there is a simple way out: Don’t judge.
Move on. Move on to better things, to brighter thoughts, and to brilliant accomplishments. Don’t let things that make no difference to us weigh us down. Hashem will take care of His world, and He needs not our assistance in figuring out who did what and why.
Let Him be the Judge — and let us be the best we can be.
A kesivah vachasimah tovah to all. May the coming year bring shefa brocha to us all, and may our most fervent desires, needs and requests be answered this coming year in the best possible way, far beyond what we could ever even imagine.
