Writer’s note: Dear reader, please forgive me for writing an article such as this just after the tremendous simcha, chizuk, and awe-inspiring manifestation of kavod haTorah and chizuk haTorah at the incredible Adirei HaTorah gathering this past Sunday. The truth is that these words were written well before the Adirei HaTorah gathering, after I had pondered this issue for a long time. Had I realized that it would be published the week of the Adirei HaTorah gathering, I probably would not have submitted it for this week.
That said, my second thought was: Aderaba, is there any greater kavod haTorah and chizuk haTorah than promoting the concept of emulating the Nosein HaTorah—mah Hu rachum af atah rachum? Is there any greater kavod haTorah and chizuk haTorah than strengthening the institution of a bayis shel Torah?
It is no secret that we have not only a divorce crisis on our hands, but also a shalom bayis crisis. Divorce rates, especially among young couples, are rising and rising. We all know it, we see it, and we are wringing our hands in despair. Aside from the divorce rate in our communities, which by all accounts has skyrocketed over the past number of years, we must understand that for every divorce, there are many couples who, boruch Hashem, do not get divorced but are nevertheless struggling and under tremendous stress.
Many of the heroic men and women in our community who help these couples highlight that there is a crisis at hand. A real crisis.
So, what do we do?
The Middos Deficiency
Before going further, I want to say something that, as much as I hate to say it, has to be said. After speaking with people involved in this field and people involved in the bais din system where gittin are being processed, it has become clear that the majority of the issues (certainly not all, but a majority) stem from middos deficiencies in young men. Yes, there is plenty of blame to go around, but too often it starts with the young men.
“They are simply not mechunach in middos, in basic mentchlichkeit,” was the way one person put it.
Why is this problem much more pronounced than it once was and why are things getting worse?
Certainly, there is no single answer, but without a doubt, a primary answer is that we live in a generation in which selfishness reigns supreme.
The world today is very megusham. We have everything. Our youth are accustomed to living with everything. The cleaning lady or their mother cleans up after them. They are given money to buy supper or lunch when they do not like what the yeshiva serves. There are numerous other examples of how we coddle our children, and they therefore have very little practice or experience in dealing with difficulty or adversity.
The G-dlessness and Selfishness of the Outer World Is Penetrating
These deficiencies that are evident in our frum world really come from the outside world. We live in a G-dless world. Just look at our politics. Totally selfish. Cutthroat. The way politicians savage each other in public is beyond disgusting.
In the old days, if a politician had done what today’s politicians on both sides of the aisle do, he would have been ostracized and considered a bad sport or “ungentlemanly.” Today, the meaner, angrier, more brazen, and more uncouth you are, the more popular you become.
Last week, I saw an old politician who lost an election being praised for giving a concession speech that, even ten years ago, would have been considered run-of-the-mill. Today, an honorable concession speech is a chiddush. Look at Thomas Massie, who recently lost his seat in the House of Representatives. He gave a concession speech by blaming the Jews and savaging the Jews.
Bottom line: The selfishness and G-dlessness that permeate the entire world have trickled down to us. We see it wherever we turn, but its results are particularly tragic and destructive when it comes to marriage.
It has come to a point where we can no longer assume that our children, our youth, our teens, and our young adults are going to learn good middos by osmosis. They will not.
The only thing they may learn by osmosis is selfishness, cruelty, and the importance of one thing alone: “Me.”
The Difference Between Manners and Middos
That being said, it is up to us to place an emphasis on being mechanech for middos in our homes, our yeshivos, and our schools.
When I say middos, I do not mean manners. The Germans also had wonderful manners. Manners alone are almost worthless. Saying please and thank you like a trained monkey is not worth much.
Middos means being mechanech in a way that is rooted in emulating Hashem. The posuk states, “Ubo sidbak.” We are commanded to cling to Hashem, to attach ourselves to Hashem. Just as Hashem is merciful, so should you be merciful. Just as Hashem is gomel chesed, so should you be gomel chesed.
We are not talking about deep ideas from the Ramchal or the Maharal. We are talking about basics.
“What you do not want someone to do to you, do not do to another.”
Being nosei b’ol and thinking about someone else’s needs. Transcending yourself, transcending your selfishness, and thinking about someone else, not because you can get something from that person if you are nice to him or her, but simply because you want to emulate Hashem by considering the needs of others and putting yourself in his or her place.
I do not know what is currently done in yeshivos, but I can tell you that when I went to yeshiva, our rabbeim really emphasized chinuch in areas of bein adam lachaveiro, basic things like trying to be considerate of a roommate when he is sleeping, filling up the washing cup after you for the next person, bringing a chair for someone else before bringing one for yourself—things that are very basic and teach you that you are not the only one in the world.
The truth is that even a yeshiva that has a structured Shabbos seudah demonstrates a form of chinuch. When there is a seder, when zemiros are sung, when a rebbi or a rosh yeshiva sits with the bochurim and says a devar Torah, when bochurim help serve, that is also part of being mechunach in middos.
When a bochur can come into the dining room on Shabbos, make Kiddush, wash, eat his seudah, and leave without singing a zemer or meaningfully participating in a seudah as part of a rabbim, that itself engenders the selfish nature of ani v’afsi. It becomes all about me and my needs. No one else really matters.
Are We Teaching Middos?
Are we teaching the basic middos of mentchlichkeit to our children and talmidim?
One distinguished rov who deals in shalom bayis told me that if it were up to him, he would establish a system in which it would be mandatory for every bochur who goes to learn at Bais Medrash Govoah to attend a weekly vaad focused on inculcating middos and mentchlichkeit.
The vaad would be given by a handpicked distinguished elder talmid, an alumnus of the yeshiva from which the bochur came. For example, a bochur who learned in Paterson would attend a vaad given by an older yungerman who was also a talmid of Paterson and had been appointed by the rosh yeshiva to deliver the vaad. The same would apply to Philadelphia, Keren HaTorah, Springfield, Long Beach, and so on.
We cannot simply let bochurim dive into marriage without chinuch in basic middos and mentchlichkeit. We cannot take anything for granted anymore, certainly not something this important. We do not have the luxury of assuming that they will somehow “figure it out” the way everyone in previous generations did.
“If It Would Have Been the Opposite…”
The Alter of Kelm writes (Ohr Rashaz, Parshas Bereishis, Maamar 39) about something that is a bit frightening. He writes about a time when terrible pogroms were taking place in Eastern Europe. When news of those pogroms and the cruel deaths and torture being suffered by Yidden in Eastern Europe reached Germany, Rav Shamshon Raphael Hirsch gathered his entire kehillah and delivered a drosha for more than three hours with great hisorerus. The entire community came to the shul and spent hours crying bitter tears and fasting because they were genuinely distraught over what was happening to Yidden—Yidden whom they did not even know— in another part of the world.
The Alter asked a powerful question: If, chas veshalom, it would have been the opposite—if something had happened to the Jews in a faraway country—would we here feel the same level of pain and distress?
Our times are not the same as the world of the Alter of Kelm. The world we live in is not the same. We do not even live in the world of Ronald Reagan, when, lehavdil, even in the non-Jewish world, there were certain basics that one could take for granted.
When Does a Child Become an Adult? “When They Stop Thinking Just of Themselves”
We must teach our children and our talmidim everything. We cannot assume that they know that a person must think—truly think—about how someone else feels.
In Abie Rotenberg’s fourth edition of the Amazing Marvelous Middos Machine, he sings about the difference between a child and an adult. He says:
“…I know the exact time and moment,When a kid turns into an adult.No, it’s not when a boy reaches 13,Or the day that a girl becomes 12.Kids are ready to do all the mitzvosWhen they stop thinking just of themselves…”
It is time to put a lot more effort into that. If we do not, I am afraid that the mesadrei gittin are going to be a lot busier, chalilah.
